Jokes from the Edinburgh Festival
Dodo died, Dodi died, Di died, Dando died... Surely Dido's looking a bit worried.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly
I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He looked a million dollars... he's really let himself go...
Eddie Bannon at the Gilded Balloon
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly
Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital? A: The ultrasound people.
David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."
Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.
Scott Capurro at the Pleasance
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
A quick way to lose weight: subtract your birth weight, because you haven't gained that part.
Carsten Bang, from Danish Comedy, at the Gilded Balloon
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
Me hot water heaters packed up so I had to fill the bath using a kettle and a load of saucepans... Mind, it was effing uncomfortable when I got in.
Seymour Mace at Café Royal
Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance
Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try... What a rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus!
Seymour Mace at Café Royal
I like the Ten Commandments but have a problem with the ninth. It should be: "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ox" - except in scrabble
David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that
Milton Jones at the Underbelly
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance
50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.
Sarah Kendall at the Pleasance