Letters of complaint and their replies:
TO: Marketing director of Andrex
Dear Sir/Madam, For many years now I have been purchasing a relatively large quantity of Andrex toilet tissue for my family and myself.
It was my impression that customers of such toilet tissue would qualify for a free Golden Labrador puppy. Despite having bought several tons of the aforementioned product, not once have I discovered a free puppy voucher. While I understand that an offer such as this might only apply to a small number of Andrex users, I have not heard of anyone else who has actually obtained a small, playful canine friend either.
I have asked my two sons if they would accept an alternative animal to love and care for but unfortunately they are still hoping for the aforementioned pooch. In fact, so committed to the task of acquiring his Andrex creature is my youngest son, George (aged three), that he has taken to visiting the toilet seven or eight times a day simply to cram as much tissue down the bowl as he can in order to create the product demand and raise the chances of a voucher find.
From: Andrex
Dear Sir, As you may be aware we have a substantial puppy collection from where soft toy puppy items may be purchased.
However, as I am sure you will understand, we are unable to provide real puppies and indeed have never made such a promise to do so. Dogs could not be given as free gifts as individuals should purchase one on the basis that they are able to love and care for them. I enclose a limited edition 30 year puppy soft toy as a thank you for buying Andrex for so long.
Yours sincerely, Joanna Ball, The Andrex Team.
TO: The director of the Royal Horticultural Society
Dear Sir/Madam, Just over eight years ago I purchased, from what I believed was a reputable garden centre, a Swiss cheese plant that appeared to be in excellent condition.
I was most excited at having procured a wonderful houseplant as a source of enjoyable and nutritious food. I went so far as to stock my pantry with a gourmet selection of rather expensive savoury biscuits and a bottle or two of port in preparation for the tasting of my home-grown cheese. I have been disappointed at the non-arrival of not just one expected harvest-time but several.
I now have suspicions that the garden centre has sold me a dud cheese plant. I thought you might be able to suggest a course of action appropriate to my terrible situation.
From: The Royal Horticultural Society
Dear Mr Lee, We are all devastated here to learn of your traumatic experience with regard to the non-performance of your Monstera plant. We believe you probably have a case for action against the retailer for failing to warn you that, under EU legislation to protect cheese-makers, all Swiss Cheese Plants must be rendered sterile by vasectomy before they can be imported. If legal action fails, you might consider asking the MOD to intervene with military action on your behalf.
After research we have just discovered that the Monster Raving Loony Party does run a counselling group. But caveat emptor: the cure may be worse than the problem.
Yours sincerely, Andrew Colquhoun, director-general.