Monday 31st July
We left at 6:30am on our holiday. WE wanted to leave as early as possible to try and beat the traffic on the M25. So where did The CJ family go on holiday? The Seychelles? The Canary Islands? No... Derby! (And why not, it's the dead centre of the country- Literally)
We didn't have a place to stay so we were going to get a B&B when we got there.
We tried the SatNav again but ended up turning it off as it appeared to be laughing at us; it being halfway up the M1 when we were still stuck on the Roadworks on the M25.
We got to Derby at about 11am and headed for the city centre. The Tourist Information managed to get us a Bed and Breakfast for 5 nights quite close to the town centre and with a car park. Brilliant! It had everything we needed- a Bed and ...er a Breakfast. Then we saw the decor. Whyis it that B&B's always have the most hideous carpets and Bed linen? It really was bad. I thought I was staying in a Moroccon brothel... again.
WE spent the afternoon in town enjoying the chatter of the colourful locals.. mostly about arganising deug deals (I kid ye not- they were!).
we sauntered up to the Derby Gaol to have a nosey around and book a place on the Ghost Walk for Wednesday Evening. Whilst we were there we spotted Minor Celebrity Richard Felix, who ownd the gaol. Oooh. Get us- mixing with the stars!
We had dinner at the Friary pub, Two meals, two pints and two WKD drinks for less than £10. Little did we know that it was a haunted pub, although some of the satff looked a bit scary, especially the one dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
It was getting late and we had travelled a long time so we thought we would turn in for the evening, and dream of the wonderful breakfast awaiting us.
So we slept, but we were rudely awoken by the arrival of some very drunk men in the hallway. One of them had forgotten which room he was staying in and was banging loudly on all the doors and trying to get his key to work. It was actually quite frightening 'cos the doors weren't the most secure we've ever seen. It took a while to get back to sleep after that.
And so ended the first day

I am just having my tea and toast and then I am going to tackle my wardrobe. It needs a good sorting out.

I think there is something magical/narnia-like about my wardrobe, cos at night, when I turn off the light, I seem to get accosted by an excitable beaver.

They really do think of everything, don't they.

Yes they really do exist (Click the picture)

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A brummie goes for a job interview wearing a polyester shirt, bright flares and big boots.
The interviewer says: "All you need now is a kipper tie."
The brummie replies: "That would be luvloy, two sugars please."

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You just can't trust some people.
The other day I was asked to pose for some photographs for a tie shop; obviously they had heard that I was fond of the smart look. They said bring a selection of your favourite ties and we'll take a few photos.
Well I finally found what they wanted them for. Check the photos here!
How very dare they!
Hehe. It's not really me, but I have known a few people that fall into those categories.D
And now I have found my challenge for the year. If you notice that on the page there is this: Do you know worse? If you know or work with someone whose dress sense leaves a lot to be desired, let us know - send your photos to us
I am now determined to get my picture on that website!

It's nearly the end of July and something has occurred to me. I have been writing blogs for twelve months. I started in August 2005 and it is now July 2006. So what I have done is looked back over the last twelve months and picked out my highlights

August 2005
On the 24th I posted my very first blog. Most of the first set of posts were about TV (Something that never really changed) and I mentioned my Sky problems for the first time.

September 2005
September came, I started a new year at school (Who new it would be the last one there) and I got into the blogging stride. But as I posted more, there was a new irritation on its way; Spam trackbackers. I think it was the first month I metnioned the boy next door.

October 2005
October saw the first picture of my home; a snapshot of what I am like, and friends got to read about the Prince Charming Saga! I also commented on the news that Chrissie Watts had got a part in Doctor Who and joked that she was going to kill CyberDen- I never realised how close I actually was.

November 2005
November brought bonfire night and another blogger about ten feet away. Yes Jojo was there and we could have been in spitting distance of each other (except I dont spit). November was also the time I revealed my Superhero identity.

December 2005
December saw Christmas and my search for ball hooks! My Plan to get Take That tickets were scuppereed by Touts and Space cadets graced our screens!

January 2006
A New year brought us a new celebrity in the shape of CBB winner Chantelle. It was the month that the real horror that is Barry Scott was revealed and CJ Junior was adopted.

February 2006
February got me pancake crazy and I learnt how to create the perfect Sci-Fi crew.

March 2006
In March the blog scientific world was in awe of my Blog Cycle. I learnt how to wear and care for my tie and I learnt a lot less about identity theft.

April 2006
In April, friends got to hear my shocking news about my job and I started my Easter Holiday diary. Subs and I hade a date but she left in a rage after finding I was recording it.

May 2006
May saw the start of Big Brother and the Eurovision Song Contest. My work situation got worse but jobs kept falling into my lap and I eventually found out if I was a robot.

June 2006
I saw Take That in concert, and I took my OH out for her birthday and the boy next door appeared

July 2006
Is the month we got knocked out of the World Cup due to penalties, and the school closed for good.

And that is the last twelve months. i don't know what the next twelve months have in store but I am sure there will be a mixture of emotions. I hope you enjoyed walking through the garden of memories with me and I hope you will join me in the undiscovered country

So why did the chicken cross the road?

All the other chickens crossed the road and this one didn't want to appear different.

All chickens cross roads sometimes and since there were lots of chickens around it was just a matter of time before some chicken crossed the road and this chicken was the one.

Because it felt like it.

Because it needed the exercise.

Because it wished to avoid meeting the chicken it saw approaching.

Because that's what chickens do.

God ordained from the time of Creation that this chicken should come into the world and should cross the road exactly when it did.

Having spent days and nights searching its soul the chicken finally decided that it had to cross the road and did so.

It all depends on what is meant by "chicken", "road" and "cross".

It got bored.

It had a death wish.

It had already crossed the road 999 times that day and wanted to make it 1000.

It had always been intending to and finally decided today was the day.

It saw the rooster on the other side and wanted to get laid.

It wanted a change of scenery.

It wanted to be famous.

It wanted to catch the bus into town.

It wanted to show it was not a chicken.

It wanted to show it was a mean mother-fuckin' chicken.

It was a very confused chicken.

It was caught by a freak gust of wind.

It was collecting experiences for its next book.

It was part of a chicken conga line which happened to be crossing the road.

It was trying out its new pair of roller blades on the asphalt.

It was trying to find its roots.

None of the other chickens crossed the road and this chicken wanted to be different.

The chicken crossed the road because it was daydreaming and did not notice it.

The chicken had just had its head chopped off.

The chicken had prayed fervently all night and at dawn Jehovah had told it to cross the road, and the chicken crossed the road, and Jehovah saw, and saw that it was good, and saith unto the chicken, Verily, thou art a rock of Chickrael.

The chicken was looking for love.

The chicken was running late and took a short cut.

The chicken was trying to make a difference.

The light turned green.

The Moon became conjunct with the chicken's natal Mars in its fourth house.

The other chickens dared it to.

The other chickens told it to piss off.

The Spirit moved it.

The time had arrived for this chicken to cross this road.

This chicken inherited genes predisposing it to cross roads.
This was a Mormon chicken and it was setting out on its mission.

To get to the other side.

Why not?

All events in the chicken's entire life are fixed in 4-dimensional spacetime and the chicken could not have done anything else at that time (as we see things from within ordinary experience) than what it did; the chicken crossed the road because the chicken's crossing the road has been part of the eternally fixed microstructure of the 4-d block universe from the moment of its creation.

It was helping to stamp out bugs.

It was bearing the white chicken's burden.

It was fulfilling its Manifest Destiny.

It was doing God's work.

It was helping to make the world safe for chickocracy.

It was just following orders.

It just did.

I had to go into work today to see what the state of pay is. There are yet more delays. So it looks as if we wont be getting Redundancy notices until well into week after next
There is a problem with one law which may or may not apply, the problem being of theyt decide to go ahead without applying it, the new company are liable for anymember of staff suing them in the future, but if the law is applied, it means we go back to the 'merger scenario' and no-one gets made redundant yet. It's all a mess really. Hopefully they will sort it out before the endof next week as staff are depending on these notice letters and are wanting to sign new contracts.
A bit of good news. I checked my bacnk account today and we got paid this month! So it is August now to worry about and then the P45 issues for September.
I got my new timetable for next year. It's depressing I really didnt want to leave my old job.
I had a nice lunch with C, we have been working together in these meetings- we have become a bit of a double act. She thinks I am mad! how did she come to that conclusion???
I didnt sleep well last night, I started worrying about the whole job business. And now I feel tired and a bit down.

Still it is eviction night, perhaps if I am lucky Pete and Richard will go

Hunch and Boobie: The modern day puppet show

Part 3
Hunch is in the Dock. The Judge is there
Judge: Hunch you are charged with actual bodily harm, and destroying police property by willingly running in front of a bullet that had been accidentally shot in a different direction. How do you plead?
Hunch: Like this. Don’t send me down, please. Pleeeeease.
Judge: Please call the witnesses for the prosecution
Policeman: Calling Batman
Batman enters
Batman: That’s the man that attacked me
Policeman: Calling Spiderman
Spiderman enters
Spiderman: that’s the man that attacked me
Policeman: Calling John Prescott
Nothing happens
Policeman: Sorry John can’t be here, His Jags have broken down. Calling Boobie
Boobie: Hello you’re highness. Hunch seduced me last night and had his wicked, wicked way. He’s a wicked, wicked man!
Judge: It’s obvious you are guilty. You will be sentenced for execution immediately.
Hunch: But what about my defence?
Judge: Okay bring in the witness for the defence
Enter Chavella
Chavella: ‘ere I know you, Judge. You’re the father of my baby
Judge: Chipolata, is that you?
Chavell: Yes Big Gavel, it’s me. And baby Charmaine Chardennay Aleesha Ford Orion is yours.
Judge: It’s like a family reunion. Hunch you are free to leave.
Hunch: Right. I’m off. This family is dis-functional.

The End

Hunch and Boobie: The modern day puppet show

Part 2
Enter Batman
Hunch: Hello, who are you?
Batman: I’m from fathers for Justice and that’s my baby.
Hunch: Is that true?
Chavella: Dunno. Could be.
Batman: I have come for my baby
Hunch: You can’t have the baby
Hunch fights Batman and Batman leaves
Enter Spiderman
Hunch: Hello, who are you?
Spiderman: I’m from fathers for Justice and that’s my baby.
Hunch: Is that true?
Chavella shrugs and continues to file her nails
Spiderman: I have come for my baby
Hunch: You can’t have the baby
Hunch fights Spiderman and Spiderman leaves
Enter John Prescott
Hunch: Hello, who are you?
John: I’m from the government and that’s my baby.
Hunch: Is that true?
Chavella: No way. He’s minging
John: I have come for my baby
Hunch: You can’t have the baby
Hunch fights John and John leaves
Enter Policeman
Hunch: You are not having the baby
Hunch starts to fight the Policeman. Several Police Gunmen appear and shoot Hunch down.

Hunch and Boobie: The modern day puppet show

Part 1
Enter Hunch
Hunch: Hello boys and girls, my name is Hunch and this is Boobie
Boobie: Hello boys and girls. My name is Boobie because I have had enhancements done and Hunch is my boyfriend
Hunch: Oh no I’m not.
Boobie: Oh yes you are
Hunch: No I’m not. We only met last night when you put Rohypnol in my drink and I ended up in bed with you.
Boobie: A one-night stand is practically an engagement in my family. And talking of my family, this is my daughter Chavella and she is thirteen.
Chavella: Can I have £50 mum?
Boobie: And this is my son Asbo, he is ten.
Asbo: F*** off
Hunch: And look at the little baby. Hello little baby. Is it yours Boobie?
Boobie: No way. That’s Chav’s. Now I’m off to the supermarket, Hunch. D’you think you can look after the children?
Hunch: I don’t see why I should
Boobie: Okay boys and girls, will you watch Hunch look after my kids? If anything happens all you have to do is shout out “Boobie” and I will ignore you, Okay?
Exit Boobie

Today we went to Asda.
I managed to get a copy of Prince of Persia: Warriors Within for £10 which I thought was a bargain.
You can tell the kids are off now, because there were tons of them in store- being dragged around by harrassed women!
But if they weren't being dragged by their mums, they were forced to sit in front of the Punch and Judy show. What? Did I hear right? Punch and Judy? Yes! I tell you that Asda were hosting their own Punch and Judy show for kids. However the puppets looked a bit cheaper different so I thought perhaps they were Asda'a own brand of Punch and Judy, which will probably have to be renamed due to Trademarking rules (Remember the Puffin bars? Stores own brand of Penguin)
So as I walked around Asda I made a special effort to look for the Asda Special Hunch and Boobie Puppet Theatre. I couldn't find it. Shame
Anyway as we did walk around we noticed a stall which had more kids around it. Surely there can't be anything more entertaining than Hunch and Boobie? But there was... it was the free trial of Nesquik's Magic milk straws! Oh great! Another way to make our kids obese and hpyeractive! But at least they were there to entertain the children whilst parents managed to food shop.

After that I went to the doctors, my blood pressure is up, but the doctor said it may be because of the stress I have been under. everything is OK, so that's good!

I saw a sign today, it was a poster that said "Hastings Model Air Show" and that got me thinking.... How on earth do you model air? And what kind of show would it make? I am imagining some kind of science fair with spotty geeks showing off marvelous models of molecules constructed out of ping pong balls and straws. Or maybe they have craeted their own 'air' samples and are storing it in little tupperware containers. "My name is Kevin and created my air model by collecting gas samples from inside cereal boxes and toilet tubes and even used the inside of polo mints"

And then the next big question is how is it judged? Are there WI ladies sampling them like they were jams?
"Come along Deirdre the first sample is by Kevin. Hmm yes, a very nice sample of air with a subtle hint of mint. Yes Deirdre, write that down, a. subtle. hint. of. mint.
And now sample two is by Karina. Hmm oh dear, not a bad try but a bit too heavy on the Carbon Dioxide I think. Write that down Deirdre. Too. Much. CO2.
And the last sample is by C.J. Aargh. {cough} what are you trying to do? Kill us? There is way to much Sulphur Monoxide. What planet is this air from? Jupiter? Dear oh dear, you will lose marks for that"??

Perhaps I should go along to the air show, sounds like it could be a laugh. I may even make an entry.D

Ever seen that Two Ronnies sketch where they answer the question before, well lets try an experiment.
I will write question 1 here
I will also write question 2.
Then the next person must Copy question 2 into the comment but answer question 1!
That person must then set question 3!

The next person must then copy question 3 into the comment but give an answer to question 2. Then they must set question 4.
Each time a person answers the question before and then set the next question.
Make sense?
Lets give it a go.
For anyone setting a question, try to make it such that there is more than one answer possible

Question 1: What is your name?

Question 2: Name your favourite planet

Let's see if this works....

I'm back now, sporting a rather fetching plaster on my arm and a black eye. Where have I been? No I haven't been to the local Synagogue with a basket of pork pies (I'm not doing that again after the last time) but I have just been to the doctor's for a blood test.

My Doctors surgery is really modern. When I went in I was waiting a few minutes for a receptionist to sign me in when I saw a trendy new computer screen. It was the new computerised signing in device. All I had to do was type in my birthday and It registered me present for my appointment. How cool (unless you happen to be a receptionist now out of a job because of it)
Anyway the nurse got me in for the blood test- that explains the plaster on my arm!
She said "You may feel a small prick"
I replied "Do you wanna feel a small prick?"
.... and that explains the black eye!

.
.
.
.
PS- in case anyone didnt realise, the bit about the black eye wasn't true

Just a quickie before I go out.... Another ink blot. What do you see?

It's Tuesday and it's another hot day. I walked into town today and I decided to wear my shorts (Yes! C.J in not wearing a suit shocker) I have these short which are really nice; they have deep pockets that zip up. but they have this elasticated netting inside. Now I have never quite worked out what it's there for but I do know that after a while they tend to chaff somewhat. Perhaps they were desigend by vengeful women!
Anyway back to town. I popped in to see my OH in her kitchen-god it's hot in there. I wanted to stay and have breakfast (She was cooking some lovely English breakfasts...mmMMMmm)but she looked busy and even my comedic finger might not have been welcome at that point
I popped into the doctor's to arrange a blood test and an appointment. I like my Doctor's Surgery. you can go in and book an appointment. unlike the one I had before in Hastings when if you phoned up some sarcy cow would tell you you could only book appointments if you come into the surgery at 8;30 am. Otherwise no go. What's the point of that??????

Anyway I am back now.

I have noticed that I am Top of the Blogs. (I like to check to see if I'm in the top twenty.) but I am number 1! Woohoo. But why? Oh I see......
For weeks i have been writing important blogs about my situation, full of anguish and heart-ache, but as soon as I write about eh antics of Howard and Jason- my little stick men in cube world- suddenly you become interestedD
Well you asked for it...... I have had to split Howard and Jason up. Howard seems to have been a little too agressive. He kept going over to Jason's Cube and picking a fight. So I have split them up To be perfectly honest I think Howard is up to no good with that stick- I am sure I have seen hime practising pole-dancing moves with it. SO Howard is now pacing around the cube trying to get out. Then I turn the cube upside down and he falls to the ground! HAHA!

... is the World Cup over now?

Did we win?

An article taken from The Mirror shows just why romance is dying in the world...

A WOULD-BE Romeo's over-the-top email asking a girl he met at a party for a date finished up being sent around the world.

Sounds pretty straightforward so far!

Joseph D called Kate W's smile "the freshest of my special memories" and vowed to "hold it in my heart when I need inspiration".

Okay that's a little bit cheesy!

Kate forwarded the epic to her sister Jane with the terse comment: "I met this man on Saturday." Jane sent it to six friends, saying: "Oh my God!"

Maybe if she sent it to her sister only I could understand, but to six of her friends as well!

From there it went worldwide, with people adding comments such as: "I'm still cleaning the vomit chunks out of my keyboard."

Hmmm. Nice!

Web designer Joseph, in his late 30s, yesterday called himself a "hopeless romantic" and added: "I'd do the same thing if the situation warrants it. I'd like a relationship with someone who valued that kind of effort." He said Kate had called his love declaration touching and she was sorry her sister had passed it around.

SO the fact that the other six friends passed it on was OK

Joseph, from Berkshire, said he had since been bombarded with emails and calls from around the world, some of them "propositions for romance".

Haha so he has become hot property now. Although it does say that some are propostitions. I wonder what the rest are like! Poor guy

Jane would only say: "I don't know if Kate would be interested in talking about it."

So the first question; The poor guy has been embarrassed worldwide, but who is to blame? Himself for sending such a cringeworthy e-mail? Kate for not keeping it to herself in the first place? Or her sister for making it more public? (Or me for making it even more public )

____________________________________________________________________

LAWYER Richard Phillips quit last June over emails to his secretary demanding she pay a £4 cleaning bill after spilling ketchup on his trousers.

INTERNET worker Claire Swire, below, described in an email a sex act on her boyfriend in 2000. He sent it to pals and it went global.

CITY bank employee Trevor Luxton resigned in 2002 after he emailed friends telling them a mate's ex had performed a sex act on him while he spoke to his bored,' fiancee on the phone.

RACHEL Fountain was sacked from American Express in November 2002 after accidentally sending the company boss an invitation to a porn party.

So my second question is, Have you ever sent an embarrassing email or one that you wish you hadnt?

Today I went to put an offer on that property we liked, only to found that someone else has beaten us to it and the property is now 'under offer'. Damn! My OH is disappointed.
Does anyone remember that quiz show 'under offer' hosted by Yvette Fielding pre Most haunted days? Where they had to gues property prices for some quirky houses? It was good!
I have also managed to get less than 25 stickers to go before my Dr Who collection is complete. I can now send off for the remaining stickers and it will be done, and who knows how much it will be worth in years to come!
I also got an email from Amazon.com. My JAG DVD's are on their way. Cool! Season 2 will be out by Christmas (but still only from America)

Howard and Jason update
I have noticed that Howard is a lot friendlier than Jason, as Howard tends to visit Jason more than Jason visits Howard. This may be due to the fact that Jason has Robbie the Dog to keep him company whereas all Howard has got is a big stick.
I have also noticed that if you put Jason's cube on top of Howards, Howard throws his stick up and the dog catches it, buries it and then it falls onto Howards head! Ouch! The fascinating life of my little stick men. Wait til Gary comes along with his skipping rope!

Here they are, Howard on the left and Jason on the right
You will notice that Jason has a doggie (Called Robbie)

As you can see they have become friends!

Howard has a little stick he plays with, sometimes he throws it over to Jason's cube and the dog catches it and then gives it back to howard.

Uh oh must go now, Howard and Jason are now attempting a stickman pyramid. Oops they have fallen down

edit. I have noticed that Howard scratches his bum a lot! uh-oh they're fighting

Cube World
I am going to go into town today and pick up a couple of these. They look so cool. Has anyone else got them?

If you get two or more they interact with each other! they leave their own cubes and play with the stick people next door!

I'm going to try and resurrect an old Blog game... D'you remember when...?

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and I.

It can be anything you want- BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and pretend to be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you.

Now that the schools have broken up for the summer break perhaps now is the time to take a break and go to the pictures. Because breaking into the cinemas this week are two groundbreaking films hoping to break the box off ice records. There's The Break Up and Stormbreaker. But how can I break it to you- neither of these are set to break records, in fact the Break Up hardly made me break into a smile. You'd be better off breaking into your piggy bank, buying a copy of Take a Break and reading it over breakfast.
Oh well, dem's de brakes!