Here I am all dressed up for myfirst Blog Date.

I hope she likes the flowers

well, I'm here. when does my blog date begin?

Come on over. I hope you like the flowers

oh look at that...dandelions! haven't seen them for a while *nervous laugh*

Oh sorry, thats my gardening bucket. Do come in. Mind the Cat Litter.

I brought some wine *hands the bottle over* it's only Ernie & Gallows

Thats Ok. Interesting shoes... Not many people can pull of High heels on wellingtons

they're all the rage, donchoo know? D'you like the colour?
*twinkling at Ceej*

They are cool. And in Leopard skin too. They match your leggings.

I borrowed them from yeah but no but (what's her frickin' name?)

Tracey Temple? Or Vicky Pollard?

*screams* you're documenting our date?!

Is now a bad time to mention the video cameras?

No it's not not at all. I'll get my coat *fuming*

Oh, er.. can I keep the wine?

Fine.............

(those dots are footsteps stamps)

Amazing how loud footstep stamps are in High Heeled wellies

There appears to be a nasty virus spreading. it seems to cause lists to appear when tney have not at all been stolen

1) Desktop PC or Laptop?
Laptop. I do have a PC

2) If you had to name one charity that would get £1mill who would it be?
I would share it around, probably things to do with children and nothing to do with Donkey Sanctuaries

3) If you won £1mill would you still work or laze?
I littlepart time job would be great

4) Like any TV program enough to own all the boxsets?
Loads. Mostly Sci Fi

5) Whats the biggest age gap you've dated?
I dont date age gaps, I date people

6) If you were a Greek or Roman God, what would you like to be the God of?
The Roman God of Style and clothing. Except he'd probably be gay

7) On a scale of 1(low) to 10(high) how would you rate your boredom threshold?
Sorry. my mind wandered....

8) Is there anyone on blog you'd date?
'd date them all, I'm not picky. But the problem is would they want me?

9) Do you prefer a holiday at a specific place or do you like to travel around?
Both. thats why we love cruising. Different places everyday but still the luxury of the ship

10) Which job would you choose, high pay with low recognition or low pay and high recognition?
Recognition is a double edged sword. I'll take the money

Its the first of May tomorrow. Can anyone else believe how quickly the year is flying by? And it's a bank holiday. I like May because it has two bank holidays, although I'm sure I read a couple of years ago that the government were planning to move May Day to October!

So what other special days can we expect to celebrate in May?

May 1st: Mother Goose Day
May 4th: Space Day
May 6th: International no diet day. I am planning on celebrating this one
May 8th: No Socks Day- that for you Znethru
May 9th: National teacher day. Alhtough it doesnt specify if its hug a teacher or just spit at.
May 10th: Clean up your room day. See I DO only have to do it once a year!
May 11th: Twighlight Zone day
May 14th: National Dance like a chicken day. Luckily this is on a non weekday this year
May 18th: Visit your relatives day- See I only have to THAT once a year too!
May 26th: Blueberry Cheesecake day- another one I can seriously get behind

May is also the National month for Hamburgers, Barbecues, salad and asparagus.

So a busy month for us all

I am personally looking forward to wearing no socks and dressing like a chicken.

Another poem by CJ. Now it might be a little bit scary so get that space ready behind the sofa...

Laura Wade
By CJ
As midnight falls and dusk lights fade
The ghostly form of Laura Wade
Moves Silently across the Moors
The misty glens, the rugged Tors
And sadness shrouds the spirit still
Beyond the dark Satanic Mill
There is no rest, no more from sleeping
Where once she sat alone and weeping
Forgotten now, a distant shade
The life that once was Laura Wade

Oooh I have shivers

Heres a challenge for everyone. Take a photo of whats on your fridge. What does it say about you

On mine you can see
A little Toy Moose we bought in Norway: we call it Erik
THeres a Kenny magnet and a Grunt Mitchell which was free with inside soap!
A corrie magnet which we got a Granada Studios.
Can anyone recognise the Football shirt?
And I dont know if you can see it, theres a picture that my nephew draw of a Dalek and the newspaper cutting is the first (and only) time that I was mentioned in the Paper.

Well... Finally
it has come up.
I have been trying for ages to post something. Now its here I cannot remember what I was gonna say
Anyway, it is sunday morning and I have already filled in an application form ready to post. Whilst I was doing it Baywatch has been on. Well I assume it was Baywatch- allI saw were a load of gorgeous girls running through sea spray in slow motion. Still I must look on the bright side.. I was watching a load of gorgeous girls running through sea spray in slow motion... OMG. I am turning into Chandler Bing more and more

So I now have two applications out there. I wonder if I will get anywhere? Time will tell.

PS I wonder how long it will take before this message gets posted. The time is now 10:20

For the want of a cutter a chef was lost... well almost.
My OH has had a bad day. She enjoys cooking, but the place where she works at eh moment is not very well run. The boss has no man-management skills and she employs school kids who have little to no work ethic. Its only my OH that keeps it running smoothly!
And they are tight! My OH wanted a new pastry cutter seeing as the old one was damaged and gunky- they only cost a couple of quid. But the answer was "the old one will do for now". That and other things wound her up and she threatened to quit. The boss has been avoiding her for most of the day, and at the end of the day, she presented her with a new pastry cutter. So perhaps making a fuss does get things done- I must remember that!

This site has been rotten over the past couple of days. Or is it just my computer?
Its hardly worked at all. Or was that just me?

They've done it again. they've missed me off the Top Totty list.
Instead they have:

Men
Matthew Fox- from Lost. New series starts next week. YAY
Max Beesley- Who?
Adam Brody- From the OC? Who??
David Morrisey - Who???
Eddie Cibrian - From Invasion.
David Tennant- Doctor Who!
Gordon Ramsey - WTF?????????
Kiefer Sutherland- 24. Some people like old and wrinkly then
Richard Fleeshman- YUK! That hair is ridiculous!
Patrick Dempsey- Grays anantomy? Er .. Who?

Women
Eva Longoria - Gabrielle from Despearte Housewives. I much prefer Bree!
Billie Piper- Yummy
Evangelina Lilly- From Lost
Holly Willoughby- from kids TV. This ones for the Teen boys then
Jaime Murray - From Hustle
Alissa Mylano- A mermaid apparently
Mischa Barton- Another one from the OC.
Patsy Kensit- Emmerdale and other things. Singer in Eight Wonder if I remember rightly
Sarah Dunn - Hollyoaks.
Samia Smith- Corrie.

Well with all these new hunnks for women, I hope the ceilings at the gynaecologists ar big enough.
But where are we gonna put the girls pics for the blokes? Sperm donor cublicles?

Anyway. BBC 1 tonight and its the return of that old rusty but dependable character... and I'm not talking about Graham Norton. It's K-9 day!

Counting Condoms

A boy goes to the chemist with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the clubbers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the students for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."

Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"

Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

1. Close your eyes and tell me instantly what you see? Place, or person? Where, or who?
I see a darkened room. I am crouching in the corner and I have just shot out the light bulb with my silenced pistol... hold on- that was me playing Splinter Cell

2. You suddenly have £1,000 to spend but only five seconds to decide what on. What's your choice?
Clothes. Saville row Tailored suit.

3. Ultimate dinner party with you and any three guests?
Bree Van der Camp From Depserate Housewives, Tom Cruise and Alan Whicker

4. You MUST be stung by a wasp or a bee. Which one?
A bee. At least the bugger will die because of it!

5. First name of the person who first broke your heart?
I think it was Karina. It might have been Rachel but it definitely wasn't Sarah- especially since the party where they locked me in a room with the Minger!

6. Biggest regret so far?
Not buying a property in 1997!

7. Favourite cocktail.
Strwberry Daiquari

8. Recommend a book I probably haven't read and tell me why I will like it.
Midhsipmans hope. I've mentioned it before

9. A film you've always meant to see and sort of know deep down you probably never will do.
The Godfather... any of them

10. You're on death row. It's your final meal. What do you ask for?
A Tardis

What a stressful day. I will blog about that later, but I have come in and the first thing i did was phone the regional office of my union. I wanted to feel that I wasn't being ignored! They said they would pass it on to the regional officer (Did they really mean that or were they saying it to get me off their backs- )
Now my OH has agreed that tonight we will have KFC to calm us both down. You may have guessed that the diet has gone by the wayside since the news, although I am still having more salads for dinner.
We have still go a chocolate egg. Why is it that if I brought it into the living room and ate it all I feel guilty, but by hiding it in the kitchen, breaking bits off and having a piece at a time-it feels like I am eating less of it- therefore it's better for me.
Ho hum. Back to the internet
We have just oredered the Producers and Brokeback Mountain on DVD from Amazon.

PS I've lost another friend, and I cannae work out who it is again!........ Hang on, Its Skip2468. Has anyone else lost them or is it just me that offended him?

Now that was great TV! The Apprentice was top quality tonight with Syed and Ruth going head to head in the Board room. And boy did they fight there corners. I was glad that the one who was fired, was fired, but I am disliking Paul more and more. Shame he keeps being on the winning team.
The next week with the interviews also looks good. The clip we saw was very teasing. Paul saying "I get on with everybody" and the interviewer replying "Well your not getting on with me"

The Apprentice- best TV ever!

I am writing this blog really because I am intensely envious of all those involved....

UK pro-gamers are mourning the loss of the most lucrative tournament in computer gaming.
In 2005 the World Tour organised by the Cyberathlete Professional League (CPL) gave away $1m in prizes to pro-gamers at 10 events held around the globe.
Many expected the World Tour 2006 to be more successful as it picked Quake IV as its central game.
Picture: Quake 4

But the tour has been cancelled for 2006, leaving many pro-gamers wondering how to make their lifestyle pay.

Three words spring to mind Job, get and a
Still it's nice work if you can get it.
Flicking through the archives i found a similar report from 1976

UK pro-gamers are mourning the loss of the most lucrative tournament in computer gaming.
In 1975 the World Tour organised by the Cyberathlete Professional League (CPL) gave away £100 in prizes to pro-gamers at 10 events held around the globe.
Many expected the World Tour 1976 to be more successful as it picked PONG as its central game. Spectators were said to be thrilled by the fast paced, Tennis style action.
Picture: Cyber athletes practising for the 1976 competition

But these games can make or break teenagers.

When Johnathan Wendel was 13 years old, his mother scuppered his ambition of becoming a top player.

... appaarently she told him to tidy his room and go do his paper round! Mothers eh?

I am home now. SO that's what my f blog looks like. I can't f believe that I can read everyone elses blog at work but can't access my own. Something to do with f inappropriate language. Obviously as a professional I dont really look at blogs at work, its just the kids have them on and I have to check the content... honest guv!

It's hard to believe that John Prescott has been having an affair. Is her really that gorgeous? Will he be the next image to adorn the ceilings of Gynaecology wards? Perhaps he would prefer maternity wings, after all it will be nine months before patients will be able to throw their eggs at him!

Snooker loopy nuts are we
Me and him and them and me
We'll show you what we can do
With a load of balls and a snooker cue

Pot the reds then, skrew back
For the yellow green brown blue pink and black
Snooker loopy nuts are we
We're all snooker loopy

Well after my previous blog, and after enjoying the snooker on TV- them making it look so easy- I decided to dig out my old PS2 game World championship snooker 2002 (Four years old!) and give it a quick play- and that was when I realised why I hadnt played it for four years. I really am NOT good at it. It's the kind of game where I (player 1) miss a good shot, then I lean back and let the computer operated player carry on his miraculous potting for the next half hour. If I am lucky the other player may give me a chance but only by snookering me first so that it is impossible for me to hit anything! I ams SURE that the computer knows exactly what to do to play the perfect game and does it on purpose to wind me up!
Still I did get to pot the black once:D, followed directly by the White

Anyway, do you remember the Snooker Loopy song? I have re-written it to describe my game playing

Snooker loopy nuts are we
CPU and them and me
He'll show you how he can play
While we sit back for the rest of the day

miss the red then, sit back
While the computer pots the reds and black
Computer loopy nuts are we
I'll switch it off, that'll do for me!

I am watching the snooker at the moment. I actually quite enjoy it. I am not saying that I follow it religiously; I couldnt name the top ten Snooker teams in the Snooker premier division.
Do you not think its amazing that in the world natural disasters are named after people and in snooker people are nicknamed after natural disasters (Hurricane Whirlwind) "And here he is, Gary 'Global Warming' Higgins"
I wish I could play it well. I remember when My OH and I had a crack at it at butlins in Minehead, we were at it for hours beause we were so bad! as the Cat would say "he's a diva man. He could play for hours and not lose any one of those balls down one of the little holes" (?quote?)
I often think that when it comes to sport, Polo was for posh people who wanted to be seena s posh; Darts were for working class people who wanted to appear working class and snooker was for working class people who wanted to thought of as posh! And rugby is played by men with funny shaped balls!
Classic Quote "Steve is going for the pink ball - and for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green.".

Nurses have put posters of BRAD PITT and GEORGE CLOONEY on a hospital ceiling - to help women relax during gynaecological check-ups. Staff at Leigh Infirmary, Greater Manchester, hope they will help "minds wander". Patients can also daydream about DAVID BECKHAM and JESSE METCALFE, the gardener in Desperate Housewives.

I CANNOT believe they haven't asked me for my photograph. If anything is likely to make a woman start contractions is a picture of my ugly mug!

Plus Can you believe they missed me off the rich list... again!

I see that Jade Goody had a disastrous run in the marathon. She was taken to hospital. Witnesses said she had turned blue! Thats a worry. Apparently blue meat is dangerous on a kebab!
She described her training as "Minimal" and that she'd been "eating curry." Mark Curry was no-where near to collaborate the story.
However Rebecca Loos had a better run. Although she did have some motivation to run; apparently the pig from 'the farm' was racing behind her wanting more action!
I did think it was funny that, when I looked at this news report there is an advert for a Pink track "Stupid Girls"... says it all really!

And back to Harry. Who yesterday claimed that he would quit the army if he didnt get to see front line action. According to the lawyers though he is to be shielded from bullets. I don't see the problem, don't they know that only silver bullets can harm them. HOoooooooowwwwwwwwwl

This is Flash Hazzard here

The Blog Superhero. Ready to right any wrong.

Need help?
Just leave a comment and Flash Will help

Hey Has anyone dropped this list? I found it just hanging around.
Property of Egbert von Aardvark

How long does it take you to decide what to wear in the morning?
No time at all seeing as I spen a long time choosing my clothes the night before!

If you had to rename yourself in the blogosphere, what would your new name be?
Flash Hazzard

What is the last thing you looked forward to doing at night?
Sleeping without worrying

What are you procrastinating at the moment?
I wont bother procrastinating until tomorrow

While channel surfing, what movie will you always stop to watch if it's on?
Rarely do. I hate watching a film that I have missed the beginning of

If your behavior came with a guarantee, what could you honestly guarantee about yourself?
That I could make you laugh

What is your favorite breakfast cereal from childhood? What is your favorite now?
Cocopops and Cocopops.

If you could have a scale model of anything you wanted, what would it be?
Fort Knox. It will come in very useful during planning

Congratulations to all those Runny runners that run the marathon. I had my own marathon here, actually I think they are called snickers now. What surprises me that every year they way the runners hit the wall. Well shouldnt they avoid the wall Or perhaps it's time the organisers moved the bloody wall, after it seems to be a health hazard!
I meant to say that one of my pupils came up with an almost great excuse for not doing her homework.
Girl: Sir I wont be able to do my prep this weekend
Me: Why not
Girl: Its the London Marathon on Sunday
Me: Are you running
Girl: Well not exactly, but my sister is and I have to watch her on TV.

Nic try!

And West Ham are throught to the FA cup final So we will be playing the hammers soon for some silverware

Coo Cooo Boo Hooo
Coo Cooo Boo Hooo
Coo Cooo Boo Hooo
Coo Cooo Boo Hooo
Coo Cooo Boo Hooo
Coo Cooo Boo Hooo
Coo Cooo Boo Hooo
Coo Cooo Boo Hooo
Coo Cooo Boo Hooo
Coo Cooo Boo Hooo

Now THATS what it sounds like when Doves cry!

Prince Harry has threatened to quit the Army unless he is sent to the front line, it was reported.

Is there a Hissy Fit and Handbag infantry?

Or perhaps a werewolf division?

So tell me girls? Who would you have Harry or Willy? Or perhaps Philip?

My Morning so far. I am trying to avoid watching the Marathon. I know that Mr Faaaantastic is running, and I support him whole-heartedly, but watching lots of people running along distance whilst the commentators are trying to dramatise every incident "Ooh, she's dropped her water bottle" or " It looks like there's a sweat stain under her arms" to me isnt very fascinating.
Anyway I have work to do.
i have already filled out one application and I have sent for details for three more jobs. It's not easy getting back into job searching mode. I HATE filling in applications- just repeating yourself time and again. YAWN. Still, needs must as the devil spits on your face and puts his cloven-hoof firmly up your ass-hole as the old saying goes.

Hmm Time for a break.

I have been writing some reviews this weekend

If you want to know about the spoof comedy sequal Scary Movie 4 Click here

If you want to know about the knew survival horror game-turned-into-film Silent Hill Click Here

If you want to know about the new satirical comedy American Dreamz Click Here

If you want to know about the last episode of Doctor Who, Tooth and Claw click here

If you want to read my poem about werewolves click here

If you prefer looking at Magnum sites, click here or Here or Here

If you want to see a picture of a naked woman exercising click here

Ok how many of you click the last one

Edit: Added is a picture for you females who like the athletic male dancing groups. Click Here

... although this is NOT a swan

Here is a picture I took earlier today.

It's a swan! I was quite impressed with the way, when a swan wants to rest its head, it turns it round and rests it on its body. It strikes me as odd that in a resting state, the swan will actually be facing backwards. I cannot imagine what that would be like.

You may also notice that the swan is floating in one of those mini boating lakes, where put money in the slot and then get to drive your toy boat around. It started me thinking what would happen if someone tried to barge one of the toy boats into it.
It was at that moment that a bratty kid ran up with his dad saying "Hey dad. look theres a swan in the boating lake. I wonder what would happen if I drove a boat into it." Tch what a juvenile thing to think. But it got worse...
"Dad, Give me some money for the boat. I wanna hit the swan!"
And guess what, the dad didnt stop him.

Edit: Scarily enough. This is my 666th blog. Perhaps the kid was the Anti Christ