Enter the Void....

I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned but ..... It's pancake day

I have had some loverly ones with Ice cream slowly melting and melted dark chocolate, squirted with Baileys squirty Cream. MMMMmmmmmMMM

I also had a suar and lemon one. what a strange combination. I know that originally the pancakes were to use up all the old stock, but who ended up with a lemon??........ Actually on second thoughts I'm not surprised the lemon was left til the end, out of all the fruits in the basket it's hardly the one you would grab for first when it comes to a succulent juicy treat!

PS: This is a WARNING: There is a new Cillit Bang advert and he's even more shouty than normal. Avoid at all cost!!

For All you Maid Marian fans

Danny John-Jules has performed many songs written for 'Maid Marian And Her Merry Men' - a comical children's adaptation of the Robin Hood tale - in his guise as Barrington, the First Rastafarian. This song opens the episode, 'A Game Called John'.

It's pancake day
Yes, it's pancake day
Yes, it's p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pancake day
Well, it's pancake day
It's really pancake day
Yes, it's p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pancake day

Now the Merry Men know about pancake making
'cause pancake day is a regular fixture
You take your frying pan, and some sugar and jam
And get on down to make the mixture

Well you take a dozen eggs, take a cup of milk
And don't forget to add a little flour
And then you beat it up with a wooden spoon
And leave it to settle for just one hour

'cause it's pancake day
Yes, it's pancake day
Yes, it's p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pancake day
Well, it's pancake day
It's crucial pancake day
Yes, it's p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pancake day

But back in the village of Worksop
Where the living ain't so funny
They make their pancakes out of dirty old mud
'cause they ain't got no flipping money

Their smiles are wide, 'cause the tears they hide
Even though their life is hell
But the smiles start to fall, when the sheriff comes to call
And he brings King John as well

The Oscars are nearly upon us, but it looks like these people are more interested in the Golden Globes

Heres a little thing I wrote about 15 years ago. Its a rap with a capital (and silent) C. It was written as part of an assembly on prejudice. There were three versus but I cannae remember the third verse.

Prejudice

Prejudice! To pre-judge
Talk about someone, bearing a grudge
Just because they’re different, not like you
You think it’s the coolest thing to do
Take Fashion, Expensive as a rule
If you haven’t got the cash then you’re just not cool
Take the mick out of those who ain’t got the gear
But of course- We’re not prejudice here

Did you hear about the Irish man who sat on the floor?
He fell off! What do we say that for?
We make ‘em second class citizens, treat ‘em like dirt
It’s a shame but it’s true. Prejudice hurts
The National Front, the IRA
They stop at nothing to get their own way
Thousands of people living in fear
But of course- We’re not prejudice here!

Hello

Thanks to AJ I can now change my font size

OK I have just finished watching Carry On Eastenders. Who wrote this script? It's like a carry on film but without the original cast.. except one of course. Billy's Dad has appeared and, following a script that even I could have written, was mistaken for a plumber by Billy who made a really bad impression on his future father in law. He still got the best line, saying to Peggy "Have you lost your carer? D'you want me to call someone?"
I have said it before but I think Stacey is a wonderful character and I am also liking Bradley; except there is something unusual about him. Have you guessed what it is? Yes he's got a job! and it's not in the square! admittedly he never seems to go to work or leave the square but it i a start. Until we find that he hasn't really got a job and 'outside the square' is just a place he made up.

And Phil Daniels (Not Paul Daniels from such TV greats as Odd One Out and ... er,...er Wipeout) is now part of the cast. But thanks to Harry Hill everytime our Phil says a line I jsut want to sing out.... PARKLIFE!

Somehow I knew today would be bad as soon as I got in to work and got yelled at even before the teaching day started. The Art teacher has been trying to organise a GCSE exam day for the year 11 Art class. She had chosen next Monday. Unfortunaley next monday is the GCSE maths module exam. Can't do anything about that, it's set by the board. But it was enought for me to get my head bitten off. Whats more she stormed out and involved the HM. Great start to the day. She did apologise later; there were more things going on.

I am also becoming increasingly aware of a sharp tooth. last night I accidentally bit the side of my mouth which really hurt. I did wonder at the time why my burgers were tasing like blood. And now I keep rubbing my tongie over the tooth and it is really jagged. Weird.

I've also misplaced my cheque book. I have turned the place over looking for it. I think my OH is gonna kill me because of the mess. Not that I leave a big mess but she always notices...

Blog you later, if I'm still alive. Anyone got any good stress relief techniques? (And I'm not tapping my head!)

I have just finished watching Junior Mastermind. How did those kids get to be so brainy??????
At the end they asked if anyone wanted to apply for the next series of Junior Mastermind. I think i might give it a go, I might stand a chance then. I wouldnt get anywhere on the adult mastermind, unless my specialist subjest was "Topics that you know nothing about"- I could get a point every time I proved that I knew nothing about it.
Still I would much prefer being on matermind than on the Apprentice. anyone else watch the apprentice this week? That Mad bouncy woman will really get on my nerves. She's like Charlie Dimmock on Crack! and as for Syed... The A team??? for a business name???

Also today I have been playing my PS2. Been trying to esacpe from Nazi Germany in Pilot Down: Behind enemy lines. I am really quite rubbish at games but I enjoy them. I do have to put it on easy setting though, because if things get too hard for me I don't enjoy it as much and that will defeat the purpose. And when I win I get as excited as the mad bouncy Charlie Dimmock on Crack Apprentice woman

Today is Sunday
Tomorrow is Monday
But Tuesday is PANCAKE DAY. I love pancakes, my favourite savoury one is beans with melted cheese and my favourite Sweet ones are Baileys and white chocolate or Melted mars Bar!
Whats your favourite?
Pancake day is also called Shrove Tuesday. The word Shrove comes from the word Shrivel, which is what happens to my ones when I try to cook them! Then my and my OH have a tossing competition to see who can get the biggest flip. Invariably I am the biggest tosser.
My Sixth took assembly last friday and part of it was creating a pancake batter mix. It went well but I have s rather strange feeling that they left one of the eggs in the room. Its been there all weekend- I hope it hasnt hatched or gone off. Or even worse, the vicar may have sat on it.

Does Anyone else hope this isnt true

Doctor Who will land on Albert Square in the next series of the sci-fi hit, The Sun claims today.

The Timelord will apparently visit the Queen Vic and be served by Peggy Mitchell (Barbara Windsor).

"The Doctor and his sidekick Rose have travelled galaxies far and wide and battled vile aliens, but they’ve never come up against Peggy Mitchell," an insider told the newspaper. "The funniest thing is she'll be calling 'Time' to the original Timelord.”

A source close to Windsor added, "She’s thrilled. She’s a very big fan of Doctor Who and feels very honoured."

Actually it won't be the first time that Doctor Who has been set in Albert Square. I seem to remember a Children in Need Special with Sylvester McCoy and Ace, and you had to phone in and vote for who was going to help The Doctor against the Rani. You could vote for Mandy Salter or Big Ron.
Can Anyone else remember this?
And Does anyone else remember Mandy Salter. She was the Stacey Slater of her day.

Next Month it will be my birthday so I have started my birthday list

Just to recap: My OH and I have decided not to fall for those 'just get me something nice' or 'You know what I like, surprise me' traps so we wirte each other birthday lists. It makes life easy and that is a good thing!

Anyway I put on my list that I quite fancied the book Good News, Bad News which is a spooks type story just like I like.
But last night my Oh said she typed in the title in Amazon and got too many books listed that she got confused as to the one I want. So I decided to help. I also went into Google to show her which one I wanted and to see what the others were. And when I saw the list it came up with I was surpsied that she found it confusing.

Here was what was listed

1) Good News Bad News
~David Wolstencroft. Its the one I want

2) Good News Bad News
~David Wolstencroft Its the same book but in hardback!

3)Bad News/Good News (Beacon Street Girls)
~Annie Bryant, et al. Its a childrens book for ages 9-12. And the title is wrong. Not quite me I think

4) Good Intentions Make Bad News: Why Americans Hate Campaign Journalism. Not quite the same title, and I dont think I have shown any interest in Amercian anti-journalism literature. I like spy books!

5)Good news for bad times : a study of 1 Peter ~Richard W. DeHaan.
Hmmm a study of one of the biblical epistles of Saint Peter. I must be giving off some religious vibes as well as anti american journalism vibes

6) The Gospel Sound: Good News and Bad Times ~Anthony Heilbut.
Confusing because of the many hours I spend listening to gosepl music Perhaps???? Perhaps not

7)Good News Bad News: The Concise Tax Guide/a No-Nonsense Guide to the Benefits and Pitfalls of the New Tax Law.
Ok so the title seems right, but it's hardly James Bond

8) Good News for Bad Backs
I dont even have a bad back!!!

9) Sepsis and Organ Dysfuntion: Bad and Good News on Prevention Management.
Organ Disfunsction. I'd rather have the bad back!

It was at this point last night that we were both laughing too much that it was beginning to hurt. My OH is not that confused any more.

The acrobats displayed some cunning stunts.

Sir, you are certainly a shining wit.

He fills her soul with hope.

It's the Tale of Two Cities.

Have you brought your sleeping bag?

She is sure pretty.

Have you seen her sick duck?

Oh, the suffering of purgery on my soul!

He's not a pheasant plucker.

She showed me her tool kits.

He's a smart fella.

Fire truck.

Overhead door.

Whilst chatting idly over a cup of tea with another colleague today she bizarrely asked me if I knew the phrase 'the Cats mother'; as in if you were talking to someone and they kept saying 'she' you could say 'who's that? the Cat's Mother?' as a way of getting someone to be more specific about who they were referring to.
Anyway she asked me if I knew of any male equivalent, because the cat's mother is often used when someone says 'she'
After a quick think I said 'the Dog's Bollocks'. She spluttered he tea as she laughed. She wasn't expecting that.
"Is that general or just you?"
I gave her a cheeky smile and walked away

Home now. And the week is over. I'm not on duty again for a few weeks so I can have chance to recover, because I think I need it.

Ransacking the magic cupboards that seem to fill themselves I have found some Monster Munch mmmm Pickled onion flavour.. Aaaaaand some Smiths Walkers squares crisps- Salt and vinegar flavour. And i have just wolfed down BOTH packets! My mouth now has the acidic feel!
Actually there has been a lot of vinegar around in the past two days.
I was reading Submit's blog and she now stinks of vinegar as does her kettle!
Whilst I was on Duty Yesterday on girl decided to inform me that in the olden days (apparently when I was young), women used to insert vinegar up her (The exact phrase the girl used was: She drank the vinegar, but not with her mouth!) and this would prevent pregnancy.
I suppose it would prevent pregnancy; it would probably prevent intercourse entirely!
And today I was reading about bee stings. Did you know that Doc Leaves are good for bee stings because bee stings are acid and Doc Leaves are Alkali so they neutralise the acid. But Doc leaves don't work on Wasp stings because Wasp stings are in fact Alkali so the best remedy is using something Acidic, like Vinegar.
I must try that next time although there will be a side effect... A prevention of intercourse for me too

Another poem by Cj

Sudoku's a work of the devil
by cj
sudoku’s a work of the devil
There’s numbers and boxes galore
And everyone knows how to do them
‘cept me and the fogey next door
But I sit on the train with my pencil
and pretend that I know it by heart
And I’m filling the gaps quite at random
It’s all wrong, but it makes me feel smart.

Found in Shakespeares Waste paper bin.
never before seen
The original jottings from Romeo and Juliet

ROMEO [Coming forward.]:
hold on But soft! What light through yonder window comes through breaks?
It is the candle East, and Joanna Jemima Jackie Juliet is gorgeous the sun!
Arise, fair sun, and show us some leg kill the envious moon
Who is gagging already sick and pale with grief

JULIET:
O Rodney Ralph Reggie Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Sod Deny thy father and get your kit off refuse thy name;
Or, else if thou wilt not, then I'm buggered be but sworn my love,
And I'll no longer be a Copperbottm Postlethwaite Capulet.

Ordinary World by Duran Duran

This song is one of my favourite songs. But it also makes me sad. Makes me sad because it reminds me of a friend I once had and that I was a bad friend.
When I was at University I had many different circles of friends. One of them, whom I shall call Andrew, was gay. This was in 1992. We kinda became friends through mutual friends. Sometimes our group would go out to clubs and so on. One day he asked me out (Not like that; he knew I wasnt interested, so to speak). Previously we hadn't gone out together alone, but as a group- although we chatted a lot. (The prats in the corner not dancing!) But I often got the impression that he wasnt a happy person.
Anyway we went out together. The evening started and he told me that he wanted to tell me something but not until later. We had a good evening. He copped off I seem to remember. Then when we went home he told me that he wasnt really happy. The song ordinary World was in the charts. He told me that the way he felt was in the lyrics. He asked me to listen to the lyrics and call him.

I never did
I never saw him again. In fact no-one knew where he went; just a rumour that he moved to Torquay.
Months later I listened to the sung. I remembered what he said. And I got sad. Because I think I realised what he was trying to say.

Here ae the lyrics

Came in from a rainy thursday on the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly.
I turned on the lights, the tv and the radio
Still I can’t escape the ghost of you
What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some’d say,
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away...

But I won’t cry for yesterday, there’s an ordinary world,
Somehow I have to find.
And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world...
I will learn to survive.

Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say
Pride will tear us both apart
Well now pride’s gone out the window cross the rooftops, run away,
Left me in the vacuum of my heart.
What is happening to me?
Crazy, some’d say,
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away...
(chorus)
-
Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
(just blown away...)
And I don’t... (chorus)
Every world, is my world... (I will learn to survive)
Any world, is my world ... (I will learn to survive)
Any world, is my world...
Every world is my world...

I think he was struggling with his sexuality; he wanted to join 'an ordinary world' and it was making him crazy/unhappy. It kind of fits the way he was and the way people talked about him. I hope he found happiness somewhere and didnt... well, you know.
But the line that gets to me the most is the one I should have heard that night when he wanted me too.

Where is my friend when I need you most?

And I wasn't there....

New poem

The Big Pretence
By Cj

People think that I know what I’m doing but I don’t
People think that I’ve got it all sorted but I don’t
The problem is I haven’t a clue
I just pretend as if I know what to do
And I know that I sometimes get it all wrong
But I’m making it up as I go along
And there’s too many people depending on me
So I must do my best to let nobody see
That I go with the flow
But I won’t let it show
No I won’t

excipio fidelis: quingenti epistula

I have tried to bring a bit of Culchah into my blog. Seeing as this is my 500th post. I used a dictionary and tried to write something like

Welcome Friends: Five hundred blogs!

but I expect I got all the grammar wrong. I expect there will be bloggers out there ready to correct me, well poo to you! This is my blog and if I want to say "to enter the people five hundred a letter" instead of Welcome Friends: Five hundred blogs then I will.

Its a bit like that scene in The Life of Brian

CENTURION:
What's this, then? 'Romanes Eunt Domus'? 'People called Romanes they go the house'?
BRIAN:
It-- it says, 'Romans, go home'.
CENTURION:
No, it doesn't.

This is a quick blog. I am knackered tonight. And I feel rough.
I'm off for an early night

Being on duty can be tiring, especially with some of the things the kids do. Today I had to deal with a pupil who was cowering outside the music room because she was too scared to join the choir; a group of year 11's playing hide and seek in the classrooms and a poor year 7 girl who was nearly in tears because she couldn't remember what bus she got on.

Brokeback Mountain did well in the BAFTA's. It got best film. Good! It was a fantastic film. And Wallace and Gromit got best british film.

But my favourite category is 'best film not in an english language: The winner being
De Battre Mon Coeur S'est Arrete.
Which I think stands for The Battery of the Cauliflower which is then arrested!
Sounds like a ripping yarn

This list has been round more people than a slapper on heat.

If you think I nicked it off you, then let me know an I will link to you.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Kershwiiiiing

2. How much cash do you have on you?
none. I have now taken my trousers off. PS I'm at home

3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"
Quest

4. Favourite planet?
Uranus (heehee)

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your mobile?
My OH. the only person that ever phones me

6. What is your favourite ring on your phone?
Doctor who theme, real player

7. What shirt are you wearing?
A white T-shirt

8. Do you label yourself?
Only when I want to send myself via international post

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing.
I will call the left one Sonia and the right one Velhilmut

10. Bright or Dark Room?
Bright. except if I'm trying to sleep

11. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Wondering why my pillows are so useless

12. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
It was some Virgin message. i dont read 'em

13. Where is your nearest 7-11?
on the number line I have at school. -4 right!

14. What's a saying that you say a lot?
Sit down and shut up

15.Who told you they loved you last?
How will I know. If people are still loving me, then the last one hasn't happened yet

16. Last furry thing you touched?
a pencil case

17. How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past three Days?
Caffeine and chocolate. Oh and I licked a stamp, does that count?

18. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
I have a roll from about ten years ago. Cannot remember whats on it.

19. Favourite age you have been so far?
I think the Ice Age was kind of cool. Does the Jurrasic era count?

20. Your enemy?
Mr Organised

21. What is your current desktop picture?
The cybermen

22. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"What have we got?"

23. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you choose?
To fly! Then I'll get even on those pigeons

24. Do you like someone?
I like lots of people

25. The last song you listened to?
Ordinary World- Duran Duran. I must blog a story about that

I think the sound of frying sausages must effect our hearing. I just ran up the stairs to use the loo while the adverts were on. (actually thats probably a little bit more information than the anecdote needs)
OH: Is that you running up the stairs?
Me: Yes, how did you know?
OH: It was the sound of the elephant footsteps running up the stairs
Me: What was that again?
OH: I said it was the sound of the delicate footsteps running up the stairs.

Must be hearing things! For both of us!

Fans of the late comic Ronnie Barker are being given the opportunity to attend a memorial service for him at London's Westminster Abbey. Some tickets for the memorial are still available to those who apply through the abbey.

I got worried there. For a moment I thought it said through e-bay. But it wouldn't surprise me if tickets do end up on e-bay. Check for the title "Ronnie Barker's final appearance"

Barker's comedy partner Ronnie Corbett will deliver the eulogy at the service.

I wonder if he's going to do it from that chair. Hmm

It will take the form of a memorial service but there will probably be lots of laughter as well. It will be a celebratory event rather than a sad one, celebrating Ronnie Barker's life.

And so it should. He was a remarkable talent, and will be greatly missed. For he introdcued me to spoonerisms, and literature. I'm still reading a Sale of Two Titties!

For any Stargate fans.

Go to google and type in 'Stargate Characters'. Then go to the first link listed

How weird! Yesterday I was watching some episodes of the sci-fi show andromeda and I noticed some similarities with the characters from firefly. Is it possible that I have stumbled on the secret recipe for creating a successful Sci-fi show?

Here are the character types:

Type 1: The Macho Captain.
Dylan hunt(Andromeda) = Malcolm Reynolds (Firefly)
Macho hero type leader. Very good with a weapon. Comes up with plans. Has strong sense of loyalty to his crew. Most liekly to have a military background and rank
Othr type 1's: Captain Kirk, Captain Jack O Neill

Type 2: The Strong Female second
Beka Valentine (A) = Zoe (F)
Also good with a weapon. Very loyal to macho hero type 1. Must look good in tight fitting costumes
Other Type 2's: Samantha Carter, Belanna

Type 3. the blonde boyish geek
Seamus Harper (A) = Wash (F)
As stated. Blonde, boyish looks, a bit cheeky. Comes up with most comedy lines. Has a natural gift in one area (probably flying or gadgets). MUST wear hawaiian shirt.
Other Type 3's: Tom Paris, Daniel Jackson,

Type 4: The Muscle
Tyr(A) = Jayne (F)
Gun toting, musclehead. Probably a bit dim. also most likely to try and sell out the crew for money. Has an amazing collection of weapons. Says very little
Other Type 4's: Teal'c, Worf

Type 5: The Cutesy girly, naive type.
Trance (A) = Kaylee(F)
Wonders around in a trnace most of the time. has a cute little smile but there is always a hidden something. Good at tinkering with things and will probably have a crush on another member of the crew.
Other Type 5's: Kes

Type 6: The misfit priest type
Rev Bem (A) = Shepherd Book (F)
A Definite relgious type. probably overcome hardship or tuned against his old ways to follow the faith. Provides direction in moral issues. One episode he must have a crisis of faith. Probably good at killing whne it is 'justified'. When another character has a crisis, he will appear from nowhere from behind to give his guidance
Other tpye 6's: Ambassador DeLenn

It's Sunday. Back to work tomorrow, and I go into a duty week. So lots of late nights and probably no access to my blog because of it's extreme amounts of inappropriate content. Well if they are gonna brand me inappropriate then I might as well live up to it.

That'll learn 'em!
Or perhaps it's not the language they are blocking me for. Perhaps they are blocking me because of my crap writing style and inappropriate use of punctaution. well if I want to add punctuation then I !"'"??! will. Ok!

I have just noticed I am top blog. How is that possible? I got fewer hits yesterday than previously. There must be a mistake.

I have the TV off at the moment. I know- wonders will never cease. I have my iRiver shuffling at the moment. Sing along now "Flash! Ah Aah!"

I have just noticed I have a spot on my bum. It's not that sore though. It's nt like when you have a spot on the inside of your nose, man thats painful.

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring......

With one eye on the TV and one not, I didn't want to jinx it, the result was a good one. 1-0. Liverpool beat Manchester United. Great! and then I went to have a bath! and thats when something spooky (or just freakily coincidental) happened. And I don't mean the fact that I had a bath.
I decided to listen to my iRiver. I haven't listened to it for ages. I have it on random shuffle and there are thousands of tracks on it. when you play it, it continues with the last song played and then randomly chooses another track.
Anyway I turned it on and relaxed in the glory of a football win. And gues what song started playing; the last track that had started many weeks ago.... it was G4 singing You'll never walk alone! Spooky or what!

Favourite Quote at the moment "A people should not be afraid of it's government. A government should be afraid of it's people"

SATURDAY morning TV hellraisers Dick and Dom are to be thrown out of their BBC bungalow after more than 260 episodes - because their antics are too rude for children.
The BBC today confirmed kids' show Dick and Dom in da Bungalow will not return when the current series ends in March

Hellraisers?? Hellraisers?? Thats a bit strong. They may be rauccous and a bit rude, but they are hardly Pinhead, the leader of the Cenobites.
I am sad this is ending. I am sad full stop. I hope they find something good to replace it.

The Mighty Truck of Stuff, featuring Reggie Yate gathering gifts from around the country and then giving them away, will appear in its stead.

Oh Yippee (NOT) a big bus travelling around the country with prizes on it! What will they do next? Stop teenagers from Performing Romeo and Juliet becasue ther might be a little bit of kissing in it?

Pupils could be barred from acting out love scenes in school plays if draft guidelines are followed, warn teachers. Teachers claim the guidance could mean plays such as Romeo and Juliet could be robbed of kissing and lose meaning.

Oh Bollocks!

Quick Quiz: Can you spot the dick and dom from the pictures below?

"Three plus five is eight" Tom added

"but sixteen divided by five is three remainder one" Said Tom, divisively

"Hold on wait! Three fours are twelve!" Said Tom, keeping up with the times

Something to do when you're bored: Phone up a Chinese restaurant and ask if they do take-aways. If they say yes; ask them to do 498 take away 612!

Read other Tom Swifty related blogs

Today:
My fourth midsomer murder DVD came today. I'm gald that there doesn't seem to be any more delays. Fingers crossed.

Also my ebay winning bid arrived aswell. Some old Eagle comics. I have a small collection which I am keeping safe. maybe one day they may be worth something.

I went into town to get my hair cut but there was a huge queueueueue. I couldn't be bothered to wait so I came home

I have been listening to a doctor who Audio CD in the car. It's the story Jubilee starring Colin Baker as the 6th doctor. It's release date was January 2003 and it's opening episode is almost exactly the same as the start of the new TV series Dalek. They are torturing the last knwon dalek, who isn;t talking but screaming. The doctor hears the scream and runs to save it. The Dalek recognises him "Doctor! Exterminate!" but can't because his weapon is not working. Sound familiar????????

I have also added a new quiz to my inquizitor blog and a review of Casanova which I saw yesterday.

I am considering watching the match, Liverpool v Manure, except I have noticed a pattern forming. When I watch a match we lose, and when I don't, we win. So shall I watch it? Or are there any liverpool fans willing to pay me not to?

It's a real East End Wedding. The Bride undecided as to whether to get to the wedding. Previously unmentioned family appears. All the old family/cast members not turning up due to unspeicifed reasons. (Yeah 'Chelle just phoned she can't come as she's having an orgasm). the reception being held in the Vic (Where else?) And the catering being ...er... well Ian made some sandwiches. And to top it all off, there's a punch up.
Juat an old fashioned East End Wedding!

And it must be something to do with Valentines day and soaps because they always plan weddings around this day. Like in Emmerdale, where Dawn has just found her ex husband in bed with her mother! Now there will be something to tell the kids. "This is your daddy, and this is his wife, your granny" Pehaps it should be renamed to Incesterdale.

The Chocolate Cake Thief: A Defense
A poem by CJ

"It wasn't me" the boy had said
with chocolate stains around his head
"I didn't do it" A firm stand
with chocolate marks upon his hand
"How could it be? I am unable"
There's fingerprints upon the table
But the cake has gone, the plate is bare
There's streaks of cream upon his hair
but defiantly he denies the truth
"It wasn't me. You've got no proof!"

A news story in the paper yesterday interested me.

The BBC are ready to cut an episode of the new series of SPOOKS in case it upsets muslims. In the episode an Al-Qaeda terrorist is shot by renegade christian gunman,played by Shaun Dingwell- who also plays Rose's dad in Doctor who. But Shaun is worried that if the episode airs he will become a real target himself.
BBC says it is ready to cut the episode because of the climate in the country, especialy after the recent cartoon furore.
But some advisors have said they shouldn't cut the episode, otherwise we would be giving terrorists a veto over what is broadcast. "They will be objecting Gardeners Question Time next"

So what do you think? Should the episode be cut?

EDIT: THe BBc have denied this report. Read here.

However, the BBC has released a statement saying that there is "no question" of the episode being cut. It said: "This episode is not about al-Qaeda. There is no question of an episode of Spooks being scrapped.

a couple of books I have really enjoyed

Midshipmans Hope
If you like Scif-fi or navy novels, you will like this. Its like Starship Troopers meets Hornblower

The Yes Man
This is a great book if you like comedy and are looking for a personal lift. Well worth a read.

Book i am reading at the moment
Angels and Demons by Dan Brown

When I was in London yesterday I saw a police van. The Van was full of police, all geared up. Suddenly the van doors opened and the windows were wound down and about 7 police heads popped out groaning.

............Someone in the van had farted!

Ok I did it again. i really must stop blurting out random things just because I think its funny, but the problem is I can't stop myself.
Once again the TV is on, my OH is home and I have just made us a nice cup of tea. that's not really relevant except that it shows that I do nice things occasionally.
Anyway there is a series drama on. Not my choice but we adapt. And the serious doctor is talking to the scared little girl. The doctor says "I guess you want to know what up, right?" a very serious moment; my OH is hooked.
I say quite randomly "A piano"
My OH looks at me
" A piano. That upright!"

ho hum.
I can only apologise for this blog

The brightest star in the sky

I have just finished watching the Firefly series on DVD. Why oh Why was this show not given more recognition? it's fantastic. It's got it all; drama, humour action, a psychotic wife. I have to say my favourite epsidode was TRASH!

But why do some people like Sci-fi and some people not?
For me the fun comes from the fact that there are no restrictions to where you can go or what you can do; just the limit of your imagination. Sometimes the imagination leads you to a gem, like firefly or lead you to a turd- Jar-jar Binks anyone?

Some my question for bloggers.

Do you like Sci-fi or not? and why?

Lets have another look at this picutre

OK lets be bitchy

What image do you think they were trying to portray?

Samantha Fox: I imagine she was going for the 'brainless bimbo trying to be taken seriously' look. Did it work? Is she taken seriously? The last thing I remember about Sam Fox was that she was recently on a reality show where she had to run a bar/club, got really drunk and made a right tit of herself. Which is ironic, because her right tit is probably her best feature.

And as for mick Fleetwood, with that hat it's either Lee Van Cleef or the scary man from Poltergeist 2. I'm going for the latter.

God is in his holy temple........

It was the Brit awards, and it has come a long way since the glory days of Samantha Fox and Mick Fleetwood. Anyone remember that year? Little and large!

But last night was a good 'un.... for some. Especially if you are a fan of the Kaiser Chiefs- which I am
Here is an opening line from a news stiry this morning

Kaiser Chiefs, KT Tunstall and James Blunt cleaned up at the Brit Awards on a night of triumph for new talent.

I have to admit, that turn of phrase amuses me. I am imagining them wearing tabards with mops and cloths, wiping the floors and emptying ash-trays.

The Arctic Monkeys also got an award, good for them!

And the award presenters included:
Chantelle lookalike Paris Hilton
Wednesday Adams lookalike Kelly Osbourne
Blondie lookalike Debbie Harry
Joker form Batman lookalike Boy George

I started writing this in a comment but I thought that it might be useful for the general Bloglic.
If you are posh and sometimes find the dialogue in Eastenders difficult to understand, here is my Posh peoples guide to common phrases:

Woss Garn on = Excuse me but could you please indicate the course of the recent incident?

Sortitowt= please wold you be so kind as to find a resolution to this situation

Its faaaaaamily= Its the people who pays my credit card bills.

Gerrouto'mypub!= please would you be so kind as to vacate this fine hostelry.

Goindownthe Laundrette= It's amazing how clean clothes appear in my closet. how do the servants do it?

Goindown themarket= The Chauffeur has taken me to Harrods

wannajob= Job? sorry cannot translate that one

Bleedin 'ooligans= The middle class

I'm leaving to go to Manchester= Please fetch the lawyer. I am on my Death bed and I need to compose my will.

I've never been 'appier= Warning! There is a disaster coming

From Hobbit
OI! av a word.... = "I hope you don't think me presumtious but is it possible that we could have a conversation so that you could re-evalauate your position on certain matters"

So I heeded the barometers advice. I wrapped up warm and in layers of waterfproofs, ready for the stormy day ahead....

It's been a lovely sunny day today.

The journey into London was unevenetful except for the little boy who, upon seeing some sheep in a field, asked whehter they wre Kangaroos.
Plus the train was ten minutes late which annoys me because it means there are 25% more people on it than normal, which meant we couldnt get a table seat! Hmmph. (throws toys out of pram)

In London we did a bit of shopping; I got very excited (As only a Sci-fi Geek can get) when I saw that there was a series 1 box set of Andromeda on DVD. I have been holding out buying the individual sets knowing that they will release the series set at some point.
My OH bought 24 series 4, so that we have it for when we get to it.

The Show, Producers was FANTASTIC, so much more atmosphere than the film, although the film does have some better set pieces. My OH hasn't seen the film and had hysterics at the Germans pigeons! And As for Springtime for Hitler, what a gay romp. Loved it when the mirror dropped down from behind (At an angle of 45 degrees)and you could see the dancing stormtroopers swing round the swastika!
Unfortunately one of the set props went wrong and they had to close the curtains at one point, after the accountants scene. Oh well thats live theatre luvvy!

After a lovely meal and a bottle of wine, I managed to get us lost walking back to the station. I blame my internal compass being effected by the wine!

The journey back was uneventful- just lots of sweaty business men going home.
And now we're back
And we're are exhausted.
But happy.

Altogether now... I wanna be a producer.....

I awoke this morning to an alarming sound. A shrill beep. And I immediately thought 'Oh no, not again' And not because I was a bowl of petunias on a previous life.
Let me explain: Many moons ago when when I first moved in with my OH, we had a wardrobe. Not a very exciting wardrobe i grant you; no matter how deep I went in I couldn't find Mr Tumnus. But every morning at 6:30 am, this wardrobe would beep. It got very annoying. We knew that there was something in there making a noise but we could'nt find it- because every time we opened the door, the beeping had stopped. So one day we decided to instigate operation 'Find the bloody beep'. We got up early, and staked out the wardrobe. We considered going next door and hiding out in their bedroom with a telescope, but the neighbours might have thought we were kinky.
And lo and behlod at 6:30am something started to beep. We knew we didnt have to check the clothes pockets because we had checked them many many times. So we followed the sound. It led us towards and old shoe. Inside the old shoe was an old watch. The watch's alarm had been set to 6:30 and had been going off every morning. We turned it off and were never bothered again.

But this noise this morning was different. It was irregular. First thought; Was the smoke alarm going mad? No!
It was the electronic barometer we have. It was warning us of a freak storm approaching. If the air pressure drops it goes mad! But this was freaky because outside the window it is a nice sunny day. And even the weather wensite says there will only be showers. So who to believe? It would be just our luck to be out in the middle of London in the middle of a freak storm

Anyway. Mustbe going soon. train to catch and all that!

blog you later

The day of lurve is drawing to a close
"Night draws on you know"
And is it possible that where you live in th UK can effect your chances of getting laid? According to the BBC it does

If you are a single guy looking for a woman, your best bet is to go to Chelsea in London, as there are more single girls. But there are more single men in the Outer Hebrides. Now does that sound fair? So if you were a guy seeking a single girl and you go to Chelsea; A meal out will cost a fortune!
But a girl dating a guy in the Hebrides I am sure you can get a meal out and a taxi ride around the island and still have change for a fiver! However I imagine ther is less choice of restaurants in the hebrides. Fish Supper anyone?

Anyway I have a message for the single girls in Chelsea- Men can't afford to date you! Move to the Hebrides instead

How's everyone's day been?

I hope you have all enjoyed Ferris Wheel day.

My OH and I have spent the day together. We've got two days off. Today we watched five episodes of 24. We lit the fire early on and kept nice and warm.
Tomorrow we're going to see The Producers in London. I saw the film of it and enjoyed it but I imagine the show will be better, what with an audience that is allowed to laugh- cinemas can be quite dull at times!
We are then gonne have a nice meal in the big smoke before coming home. Get the train so we can have a little tipple. Sounds like a nice day.

The football looked like it was gonna be a draw but I see that we have just gone 1-0 up with a few minutes left. Lets hope we pull it off. (Sorry Ros)

I see the smoking ban has gone through in pubs and private members clubs. i'm not a smoker so I'm glad aobut it but I am surprised about the private members clubs. What if you held a private smokers members club for smokers? That would be alright wouldn't it?
It did say in the news clip that there will be a blanket smoking ban. Sint that awful! Michael jackson's kid isnt even five and they're banning him from smoking!

Football is over now. We win Woohooo (as the sims would say)

Copacabana Song - Star Wars Style
For all Star Wars fans........

Her name was Leia
She was a princess
With a Danish on each ear
And Darth Vader drawing near
So R2D2 found Ben Kenobi
He had to put the Death Star plans
Into the Rebellion's hands
So Luke and Obiwan
Had to get to Alderann
So they stopped into Maldislee
To have a drink with Han

At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina
The weirdest creatures you've ever seen-a
At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina
Music and laughter and old Jedi Masters
At the Star Wars

His name was Solo
He was a pilot
With the blaster at his side
And a smile 12 parsecs wide
And with Chewbacca
He was a Wookie
They met with Luke and Obiwan
Aboard the Millenium Falcon
Docking Bay 94
Stormtroopers at the door
With a flash of Ben's lightsaber
Some has his arms on the floor

At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina
The weirdest creatures you've ever seen-a
At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina
Music and laughter and old jedi masters
At the Star Wars

His name was Yoda
He was a Muppet
Darth Vader was so bad
By the way he was Luke's Dad
Luke kissed his sister
His hand got cut off
In that galaxy far far away
Luke he's had a lousy day
Boba Fet was so mean
Jabba has bad hygiene
Why didn't they all just relax
Back on Tatooine

At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina
The weirdest creatures you've ever seen-a
At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina
Music and laughter and old jedi masters
At the Star Wars.....

(The Force will be with you)

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief.
"How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered,

"It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

3 women die and go to the gates of heaven. St. Peter meets them there and says 'you can come in here and have an excellent time but what ever you do, do not step on a duck!'

So everybody nods and then they walk in.

As soon as the gates shut, one woman steps on a duck and st peter handcuffs the most ugliest man you have ever seen to her wrist! He says 'Right! for stepping on that duck this man is attached to you and will remain attached for all eternity'.

Now a couple of weeks have gone by and then one of the other women steps on a duck. St peter attaches another really ugly man to her for all eternity etc etc.

Years have gone by and the last of the three woman hasn't stepped on a duck. Suddenly St. Peter attaches the most good looking guy you have ever imagined and doesn't say a word to the woman. She says to the man 'Well i dont know what ive done to deserve this!' and the man replies 'Neither do I. All i did was step on a duck.'

Q. Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
A. To get to the other - er...

Lumberjacks make good musicians because of their natural logarithms.

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

Theorem: A cat has nine tails.
Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails. QED.

Theorem: All horses have infinitely many legs.
Proof (i): Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs at the back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse to have! So, since we have shown the number of legs on a horse to be both even and odd, there must be infinitely many of them. QED.

OK! So my OH and I have had a rare afternoon off so we decided to watch some mor of the third series of 24. ohmigod! The virus is spreading!!!! I would hate to work for the CTU, I wouldn't survive a day.

We know that the fifth series has started but we don't want to know what happens yet until we get that far. We prefer to watch the DVD's of the show so we are in charge of when we see it. but unfortunatley something happened yesterday. I accidentally read something in the paper. a spoiler about the fifth series.. Aaaargh! I didnt want to know. But once I started readin it I couldnt stop myself. And now I know soemthing I shouldnt. But i suppose if I look on the bright side, I have such a bad memory I would have forgotten by the time I get to it.

And I also see that I have a couple more subscribers to my blog. So here's a big wavey Welcome to my subscribers

Lindlj
Submit
Cj592- no wait thats me
Faaaantastic
Ajnspencer
abitastic
impette
Jojo52

and a special wave goes to the mysterious subscriber who has yet to announce him/herself publicly. I am imagining its Kiera Knightley

Random Chatter

Has anyone seen the new changes to the profiles?
I quite like the way you can see the recent comments you have made on other blogs.
Edit: The recent comment things has gone now. Booo! I have put a comment in the help section if you want to add a comment

2nd Edit: It's fixed and its back Woohoo

Does anyone else ever buy papers just for the free DVD's in it? I got Carry on Cleo yesterday and Carry on screaming today. We have also got loads of old film that have been gofts from the odd weekend paper. And some good music CD's

And finally can I wish everyone a very Happy Ferris Wheel Day

Bored of Valentines day? Well here are a few other things that February is famous for:

February is international friendship month- quite appropriate for blogworld
February is National Cherry month-but whether thats eating it or losing it I'm not sure

February 2nd was groundhog day. There was a film about this when Bill Murray kept living the same day over again

February 2nd was groundhog day. There was a film about this when Bill Murray kept living the same day over again

February 3rd is Elmo from Sesame Street's Birthday- But he's a puppet!??

Feb 9th was toothache day and Feb 10th was umbrella day! Damn I missed both of those

Feb 13th(Yesterday) was get a different name day, so from now on I think I want to be called Flash Hammerhands

Today is not only Valentines day but also Ferris Wheel day! Woohoo. Glad its not rollercoater day though

But what days are there to come this month?
Tomorrow is national gumdrop day
Feb 17th is random acts of kindness day

February 2nd was groundhog day. There was a film about this when Bill Murray kept living the same day over again

My favourite- Feb 20th Hoodie-Hoo Day
You are supposed to go outside to shout "Hoodie-hoo!" to scare away Winter and make way for Spring

Feb 21st is love your pet day which unfortunately may lead to feb 22nd 'be arrested for bestiality day' if you're not careful

And if thats not enough on feb 23rd its international dog biscuit appreciation day. Anyone fancy a scooby snack?????

OK. Now does this image scare you?

What if you saw it when you weren't expecting to?
The reason I am posting this is because, according to the news, the image has been seen several times on a Jumbo jet. it is said to be the ghost of a pilot who was believed to have had a heart attack on a flight from Australia to london

The phantom has appeared on the jet ever since a pilot died while sleeping on board during a flight.
The hooded spectre is said to look like the masked killer in the horror movie Scream. Cabin crew have spotted it several times near the door to the flight deck on the jet — call sign G-CIVH
A terrified purser, who saw the ghost last week, said: “It sent shivers down my spine.”

So is it possible that the ghost of pilot is haunting the plane? or is the story just plane silly? What do you think? Me, I am very open minded about all things spooky

Pat put it away!
I was happier with the pineapple chunks

edit: Warning!! This Blog contains Toothbrushes

A little Valentines story

The Blue Toothbrush and the Pink Toothbrush wanted someothing to commemorate their love

So they got themselves a little plaque

Toothbrush Conga

It's hard not to notice valentines day. My OH and I will be Giving cards and staying in, but we are going to the theatre on Wednesday for a treat.

But Valentines day is a tough day, especially for Teenagers. Which is why I wrote this poem

Alison's Last Hope
by CJ

It’s Valentine’s Day today yes it’s true
The day you find out if someone likes you
I sit and I wait for the postman to come
I hope I get cards not just one from my mum
In about half an hour I must go to school
To go with a card in my hand would be cool
My best friend Louise, she’s fifteen, she gets plenty
And she’s got a boyfriend named Dick and he’s twenty.
And even my brother, the pain, got a card.
So why not me too; it can’t be that hard.
But the postman has been and there’s nothing for me
I’m just lonely old Alison Hannah McGee.

Yesterday Evening was a fantastic evening. Just the two of us! We had the fire lit, nice cup of coffee and we opened up a box of Terry's All Gold left over from Christmas. Then we settled down to watch Miss Marple

First Question to you:
There have been a few characterisations of Agatha Christie's Miss Marple, but who was the definitive one?
Margaret Rutherford?
Angela Lansbury?
Joan Hickson?
or Geraldine McCewan?
For me, even though I am enjoying the new series, you cannot beat Joan Hickson

And does anyone remember Miss Marbles? She was a cartoon strip in an eightees comic, Cor! or Wow! or Whizzer and Chips! something like that.

So My second Question to you:
Did you ever subsribe to a comic when you were young? Or do you still? I used to get the Eagle comic. That was until my mum thought it was a bad influence.

This is my word of the day

Qi

n : the circulating life energy that in Chinese philosophy is thought to be inherent in all things; in traditional Chinese medicine the balance of negative and positive forms in the body is believed to be essential for good health

Its also bloody useful in scrabble

The new Final Destination film was made on a low budget

Whipped Cream and Pineapple rings. They're on my mind and not in a good way... but more on that later.

It is sunday afternoon and here is what I have done today.
I got up about 9am.

What are they going to do wiht the pineapple rings... eeurgh

After a bit of blogging I went to The pictures and saw Final Destination 3. I will post a review later. but I ought to say I so do not want to go on a rollercoaster right now.

In ASDA I managed to pick up a few DVD's. I got the new Pride and Prejudice DVD (Mmmm Kiera) it was only £10. Plus Stepford wives and The Village. Less than a tenner each!

Coming home I caught the end of the Eastenders omnibus, because I had been out on Thursday and friday evenings. And those of you who saw Fridays episode should now realise the significance of my opening statement. Its Pat-Wicks and Patrick up to their Old Tricks. But Did Pat really have to entice him with the thought of Whipped Cream and Pineapple chunks. Just thinking about it gives me chunks of my own!

Anyway, about to settle down and watch the Stepford Wives.

Blog You later

This joke is dedicated to SUBMIT to prove that I am really a dustbinmanperson and not a teacher at all

or should that be

I am a sanitation and hygeine engineer and not an information dispersal technician

Wheely bin joke- a bit rude

A dustman(me) is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry.

He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Chinese bloke answers... "Harro", says the Chineseman.

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman

"I bin on toilet" replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Chinese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Chinese man.

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me...where's your Wheely Bin?"

"OK" "OK" , the chinaman says, "I wheely bin having wank."

Here is another true account of something that happened to me. It's the account of the incident of when I got attacked on a train.

This happened many years ago when I was 20. It was Summer and I was home from Uni and I had got a summer job working in a bank in London.
One evening I was travelling home; it was about 5:30pm and the train was packed.
There were a couple of lads, also about 20ish, on the seats opposite me, but I was reading a book and ignoring them. But I could hear them laughing and taking the piss out of me. Then one of them kicked and spat at me, for fun!
And that made me look at one of them. As soon as I did, he shouted "Have you got a $£$%$$££$% problem?" and the pair of them decided to kick the shit out of me. They were laughing and swearing and enjoying every minute of it. No-one on the train helped me out.
The trsin pulled into the station(Which was my stop) and I grabbed me bag and legged it. On the station I just stopped because i was shaking so much. Then a kind woman took my arm and said "Come with me, we have to report this" and she took me to the guards office on the platform. When I thanked he for her help she said "I just hope someone will take care of me if it were me". The BR guard called the police.
The train was still on the platform and I heard something that shook me up more. The two guys hade got off the train and I could clearly hear them say that they were gonna find me and finish the job! If the lady hadn't have taken me to the guards office I would have just tried to go home and the thugs may well have finished me off!
Obviously the thugs couldn't find me, so they decided to return to the station and wait for the next train. Which was good because they were there when the police arrived. I confirmed it was them and they were arrested. I got taken to the station to give my statement.
Whilst I was in the station a police officer came in "The two men have made a complaint against you. They say you attacked them for no reason". Thats when all my concerns about the british justice system came to a head. Here i was, a victim,and I was the one going to be charged!
The policeman continued "But dont worry, we have got witness statements. In fact we have had over 50 phone calls from people on the train reporting what happened. they all corroborate your story"
So the guys were charged and I got £50 compensation but no victim support.

This list is mine. I havent stolen it from anyone. but feel free to half inch it. All I ask is you leave me a comment so i can see your answers too.

Do you play an instrument?
Guitar. i used to play the cello when i was a kid.

What is the most unusual instrument you have played or would like to play?
The digeridoo. but I would love to play the harp,or bagpipes

Have you ever posed for an artist?
only my thumb, and it was naked (my thumb that is)

What's the weirdest thing you have bought from e-bay?
It was a cocky copper for my OH.

Whats the weirdest thing you have sold over ebay?
I once sold a glow in the dark scooby doo van that you got free from a cereal packet. It was just after Big Brother 3 where Alex used to play 'follow the van' And it sould for a couple of pounds!

have you ever bought anything from a Sky Shopping channel?
No

whats the most unusual thing you have bought/would like to have bought from a shopping channel?
I would have bought a signed football shirt from them but they were too expensive. I would have quite liked a strange film prop like the bullet from Goldeneye

Have you ever phoned in to a TV quiz channel?
no.Whenever I watch them I work out the answer but someone phones in with it and it is wrong. I don't trust them!

Have you ever been mis-identified in a shop?
I am often thought to be a manager and people complain at me.

Do you talk to strangers on trains?
Not since I was attacked on a train by two drunks for no reason

Do you like flying?
no. I do it but it scares me still.

Ever been underground for a long while?
I once went potholing. I joined a ociety at Uni. I only went once and found it wasnt for me. Now where did I put that wetsuit?

Ever been scared in a thunderstorm?
I was once out when there was an escapologist in th street. He had just been chained up when the storm started. I was quite scared for him

If there was one film/song title that summed up your life, what would it be?
much ado about Nothing

I was just thinking about the book The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe and I wonder if it's success is due to the title and how it is just a collection of nouns; one an animal, one a profession and one a piece of furniture. Which bodes well for my new novel "The Ferret, The Stripper and the Commode"
Funnily enough there is a beaver in it too! ;

And I had another idea for a geek based film, It is based on a group of fanatics led by a strong hero; and the object of there fanaticism is their old fashioned cooker.

The film is called Jason and the Aga-nuts!

I have been laughing out loud this afternoon watching Harry Hill's TV burp- especially the Anthea Turner Polaroid jokes! "If you have trouble remembering what's on you photographs, take a polorid of them and stick them on the back!" I laughed so much I made myself wheeze! (I wonder if that was the origins of a good wheeze?)

I have also watched last weeks Rosemary and Thyme. We have a lot on tape to try and catch up on so it's good to get a bit of time together to do so.
Any way, this weeks episode of Rosemary and Thyme had the following format: The gardeners are asked to help create a wonderful garden for a couple who have a very unstable family. Someone gets murdered. The girls stumble on the body. The police are baffled. The girls happen to overhear lots of conversations and see lots of clues and end up solving the murder.
This was different to last week where the gardeners were asked to help restore a wonderful garden for a family who have a very unstable life. Someone gets murdered. The girls stumble on the body. The police are baffled. The girls happen to overhear lots of conversations and see lots of clues and end up solving the murder.
Next week appararently the gardeners are asked to help create an extremely wonderful garden for a some people who have a very unstable family. Someone gets murdered. The girls stumble on the body. The police are baffled. The girls happen to overhear lots of conversations and see lots of clues and end up solving the murder.

If I were them, I would give up gardening; it's far too dangerous

aaaah What a shame. Chelsea lose to Middlesborough by 3-0.

Altogether now..... Aaaaaaaaaah

And a win for liverpool thanks to the mighty Hyypia. 1-0 againts Wigan, but it's all thats needed.

This is my 450th blog Whooop Whooop
And I have 2222 comments

Thank you everyone

Childhood diseases.

They have some strange names

German Measles: Are they really from Germany? Can you get Canadian measles or perhaps Kidderminster measles?

Chicken Pox: The pox of the chicken?

Whooping cough: Because in the olden days if you got it your ass was whooped! or if you survived you whooped for joy?

Small pox? A pox for tiny people?

Then there's getting Colic. Thats for little babies. But the adult version is getting al'colic
(Ps I added the colic after wathcing Dick and Dom)

I'm knackered.

Worked all day. Then parents evening. I made one girl feel so guilty about her behaviour that she came back and apologised for it!

Then went out for a drink with some friends.

Surely this is normal practice for some youngies, but I am really exhausted. I must be getting... middle aged.

Edit: not gone to bed yet. just thought I'd mention that the midsomer murder dvd number 3 has arrived! So I am back on track. And my back catologue of Dr Who Audio from Big Finish has arrived. lots to listent ot in the car. But not tonight, because I'm going to bed

A comment I made on Aj's blog got me thinking. He was talking about Geekhood and I made the comment that we were gonna make a film

My Big Fat Geek webring.

So! How many other Geek-fest films can you think up?

Hide and Geek: A thriller where the geek uses the funstion on Excel to hide columns of data.

Dante's Geek! Pierce Brosnan tries to cope with a towering mountain of Spam in his inbox

It's been a loooooooooooooooong day. I cannae get on to my blog from work because it is BANNED for innapropriate content so this is the first chance I've had to get on.

This Week:
On Monday Iphoned the Midsomer Murder DVD hotline again and told them I hadnt received issues 2 and 3. They re-ordered issue 2. Today it arrived. but what I dont know is is this the re-ordered one or the original one finally arrived and in seven weeks time I'll get the next copy.
On Monday also the council put some roadwork signs up blocking off the main road into work. I have been going around the detour which takes a hell of a lot longer. Well today I decided to sod it and went through the road block. It's been up all week and there has been no work done. The road was clear. I may go through it again tomorrow.

So why was I late from school? Well there was a house competition. The four 'houses' compete for a cup. It's very entertaining. It's just like Harry Potter and I am like Professor Snape! Except in the mornings when I look more like Hagrid.

So here is my Blog Question. When you were at school, did you have houses? What was your house and did you win anything? When I was at school I was in Beckett House (Blue) We never won anything. Latimer house (Yellow) always wone everything. But at least we weren't as bad as Moore house (green). They were rubbish at everything!

A poem from the pen of CJ

Truth

Hiding
Beneath the lie
Between the words
Beyond the facade
Behind the door
Silently gliding
Out of sight
Out of the light
Carried along but never overt
Covered, covert
Hovering below the veil of mist
If missed
Can never be found
profound
But in hiding

Here is a jacket that I like. It's from an American store

Now where can I get one like it in the UK?

Somtimes I think this country sucks for getting things that I like

anyone seen the new competition game on the 5'O clock show? The person who bids the lowest money as long as no-one else bids the same amount wins the itemm! Well they stole my idea. That was my game which I made up about five years ago and still use sometimes. But let me tell you about my clever game in a blog I have titled

My Clever little Game and the Cleverer little girl that ruined it!

My clever game was called smallest number wins. The idea is simple. You have a class in front of you and they all have to write down a number. It must be a whole number, for example 1, 2, 3 etc... The winner is the person who can write down the smallest number; unless someone else has the same number in which case you lose! So the winner is the one with the smallest number which no-one else has got. It was good fun, the pupils really enjoyed it as a quick end game to a lesson. Many times lots of pupils picked 1 or 2 and lost and normally you got to 4 or 5 before a winner was found.

All was going well until one girl worked out how to beat the system. Knowing that the group were very competitive and each person wanted to win, she declared to the class. "I don't know what you're going to write, but I am going to choose the number 1" which was great psychology. She knew that no-one wanted to lose so no-one would choose the number 1, because if they did choose that number it would match her own and they would both definitely lose! So everyone else chose higher numbers hoping that someone else would pick the number 1 to match the clever girl's, of course no-one did and the clever girl won.... Several times!

No one in that class wanted to play it after that!

Firstly I have to mentions tonights Easttenders and EEuuw! Patwicks and Patrick sordid trist! Pat looked like an Amsterdam Hooker, looking out of her curtained window with her dressing gown and fag in her hand! WEll, Thats how I imagine Hookers are obviously having no experience of them ,, ahem

And how to make a celebrity baby name. it seems like modern baby names like Peaches Appleblossom or Apple Lily all you need is to think of a fruit and a plant and you're set with a good name.

Which bodes well for my son Vomit-Fruit Cactus

Anyway I have just finished watching Resident Evil: apocolypse on my PSP- I've got these great headphones which makes it better as the speaker on the PSP is quite bad for movies.

My next film will be Starship Trooper.

I was teaching Correlation yesterday and was trying to get the students to understand when two pieces of data can have a positive correlation. I used the simple example of Temperature and ice cream sales. "The hotter the temperature, the more Ice creams are sold"

So I asked for any more examples of positive correlation. Here was my favourite ever response from a pupil
"The bigger the diamter of the hoop earing, the More chavvy they are"

I couldn't disagree...

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, some kids were walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the kids ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest placed his ear close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Suprised, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly, realizing what was happening, he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

Here is something Crappy thats been happening. You've heard of happy slapping? Louts going around slapping strangers and their friends filming it on their video phones. Of course there was that horrible case in the news of the girl who killed for kicks
Anyway, the newest craze in schools seems to be- one kid winds up the teacher and another secretly films it on their phone ready to share it around their friends.
i havent been a victim (as far as I know) but The Admiral has and he was fuming when he found out.

This Blog is dedicated to my mate, The Admiral. He's a good laugh at work!
Today we were having assembly and he was wearing his wrong glasses, so when it came to singing the hymn, he couldnt read the words! Or at least the words he imagined he saw were nothing like the ones on the page. Still what he lacked in accuracy, he made up in volume. And if he really didnt know the words he just dum-de-dummed. After a while I felt so sorry for him that I started singing louder which helped him out because he just repeated what I was singing just a split second after me.

He also has a wicked sense of humour. The other day, after I told him about the PSE teacher getting annoyed about the Maths Challenge, he said "Don't worry about it. He was only worried that he never managed to talk about masturbation with them. All that fannying about, talking about it. Why don't they just pull their finger out and get on with it!"
To which I replied "Surely Pulling their fingers out would not be getting on with it"
This conversation continued and got ruder....

Today is national Lying day. I know this to be true because when I went shopping with Kylie this morning, she was after some slimfast, she told me that she was 6ft2. I didn't believe that, My mate David Seaman who used to be a great goalkeeper and Brain surgeon- apparently he was single handedly responsible for the cloning of Dolly Parton- is well over 5ft and Kylie isn't that tall. Anyway I don't condone lying.

Weekend highs and Lows

Highs
Brokeback Mountain
England V Wales Rugby match
Miss Marple is back
Real fire!
Sea of Souls-itjust gets better! My OH was impressed when I said it was a Succubus. But thats only because I watch South Park!

Lows
Chelsea V Liverpool match. 2-0 but it WAS Chelski!
No post on Saturday
John Barrowman out on Celebrity Come Ice Skate Dancing on Ice
That Queer Eye guy judge's comment to Kelly Holmes
The Tesco's Chicken was off even two days before the sell by date.

There may be more. What made it for you?

I have finished my Final Destination double bill. If you don't know the films the first film is about a teenager, Alex, who has a premonition of a plane crash. His action gets hims and six others thrown off the plane, which then explodes. They have escaped death... and death isn't happy. In the end there are only three survivors.
At the start of thesecond one we find that their was only one survivor from the first film; Clear.
The second film starts with a girl having a premonition about a road accident on the highway, panics and stops the trafiic going on to it. Once again the accident happens and the people on the slip road have avoided death, and death still needs to redress the balance. This time the characters have original survivor Clear to help them.

After I watched the first film I thought i would check out the deleted scenes. On it there was an alternative ending. The alternative ending had Clear giving birth to Alex's son. Now there was no-where in the film that even suggested that they got that close so I am glad they didn't choose that ending! But I wonder if they didnt use the baby idea because they had already planned to use it in the second film. In the second film one of the clues given was that 'only through new life can you beat death' so having the whole baby story in the first film would have meant it would never have worked.

One of the two survivors of the second film was a cop, and I spent most of the film thinking "I have seen him in something recently". I thought at first it was Jake Hagendaas but it wasnt. It was an actor called Michael Landes, who was in the BBC series Love Soup! Love Soup was a fantastic show!

Anyway back to number three out next week. The premonition this time involves a rollercoaster ride! Expect some gory scenes! But will there be an appearance from the survivors of the second movie? Unfortunatley it doesnt seem so. Which is a shame. One thing that makes a good sequel is a continuity from the original. Thats one reason that I liked the Scream movies. Who survived the last one, will they survive the next one?
Still I will wait and see.

Today I am going to have a Final Destination Marathon.

I'm gonna watch Final Destination 1 and 2 so I am all prepared and ready for Final Destination 3 when it comes out next week.

Silly Maths joke

Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?
A: Nice belt!

We are being watched!
as the Oscars loom, The BBC have sent out spies to keep an eye on the blogs. God knows why.
From the BBC Site
Bloggers too have turned their attention to the Oscars, and we will be monitoring what a number of key blogs have to say about the Academy Awards in the run up to the ceremony on 5 March.

So to all you BBC spies

Any way I saw Brokeback Mountain today. What a Phenomenal film. Brilliant. I would imagine it will do well at the Oscars.

read my review here

Anyway I am a broad minded man. i enjoyed the film very much. but there were a couple of 'Ladies' in the row in front, that I believe were lesbians given the way they were acting together, which is fine, but one of them was giggling all the way through the film. I don't know what the other one was doing to her but something must have tickled her fancy
..
..
..
I said FANCY!

Anyway it is not too late to nominate for the Bloscars at Landers site

4) And now to the fourth thing that annoyed me yesterday, and this is gonna get sad. Because I am sad.
at the beginning of the year I saw an advert. For Midsomer Murders DVD collection. Now I like Midsomers murders and have wanted the DVDs. So I thought what a good idea. But shall I order them from a shop or go online and get them delivered.
So I went online and ordered them to be delivered. I was tempted by the lure of free gifts. You should see the tea bag dish it's sooo... there!
Anyway. the first one came over three weeks ago. Cool
Then the next one didnt come.
I havent received another one at all.
My mate has ordered them from the shop and he has the first three already!
This is NOT good. I feel that as a subscriber I should have at least got them the same time as the shops.
So I tried sending an email.
It got returned as no address
So I phoned.
And I got through to a real person.. This is a good start I thought to myself totally unaware of the conversation yet to happen

Bloke: Can I help you?
Me: Yes. I subscribed to the DVD collection and I wondered when I was going to receive them? I had the first one over three weeks ago and nothing since.
Bloke: I'm sorry but our whole system is down at the moment and I cannot look anything up for you. If you leave me your name, we will get someone to call you when the system is back up.
Me: and when will that be?
Bloke: As soon as possible
Me: And when will you call me back?
Bloke: It will be between Monday to Friday between 9 and 5
Me: In which week?
No answer
Me: Well you can you tell me what issues have been sent out?
Bloke: i'm sorry the system is down
Me: But they are available in the shops
Bloke: Oh we don't deal with shops
Me: but they must have been sent to the shops
Bloke: We Don't Deal with shops
Me: But as a company you must have had deliveries sent to the shops
Bloke: We're not the company. We've just been hired to keep the system
Me: Long Pause
Bloke: But the system is down at the moment. If you leave youre name I will get someone to call you back.
Me: Well what can you tell me?
Bloke: That all I have here is a pencil and some paper and all I can do is take down your name
Me: All I want to know is If and When they've been sent. They have taken out the money
Bloke: Oh in that case they will be sent within three weeks of the money being taken.
Me: So you are telling me that you give this offer to subscribe and if you take up the offer, you can be three weeks behind everyone else who doesnt take up the offer and buys it in the shops.
Bloke: I wish I could help you.

I almost believed him.

I left my name so he could write it down on his paper with his pencil

I havent heard enything yet

So the award for the most optimisticly deluded sentence of the year goes to the bloke who said "Can I help you?"

Here it is.

A Photo of Me

Today I tried to log onto my Blog and I got the following message.

"You destination has been BLOCKED. It has got content that is deemed unsuitable. Your request has been logged by the administrator"

Oh No! What will they think?

Will they think that I have been trying to get to some pornographic site? Am I now going to be branded a pervert?

Then I thought "why has my blog been branded unsuitable?"
Its not because of the naughty pics cos there arent any (Dont bother looking)
or is it because of the vulgar language? What language have I used recently? Crap? Shitty? Manchester United?
Oh I am a potty Mouth

.... Go to your room...

Dammit I promised I wouldnt do that!

So the second thing that irritated me was this...
2) My Boss has got a bee in her bonnet. And when she gets a bee in her bonnet it buzzes around for ages irritating the hell out of anyone who happens to own the particular Bonnet strings. And it is normally trivial things as well. Ignores all the big issues that needs facing. Anway the particular bee is about a pupil who didnt take an exam. The reason she didnt take the exam was that she didnt want to take the exam and seeing as she is a sixth former, it is her choice. And that she has the opportunity at taking it at other times. but this isnt enough for the boss. So I get tons of emails to justify my decision not to enter the student, and then lots more to get me to justify my justifications and all giving me a whole ton of reasons why it wasnt a good idea to let her not take it. Blah blah bla... This thing is continuing...

3) The next thing that annoyed me was some of the pupils behaviour. But this started on Tuesday. Two girls misbehacing so I decided to split them up. On wednseday they behaved worse because they weren't allowed to sit together so One get removed. Yestreday they cam into the lesson tied together so they couldnt be seperateWhich made it very difficult as they were sitting the maths challenge. Immature little girls.

Part 3 to come

Ok A little about what had annoyed me yesterday making it a bad day. Well you know how things come in threes, well there were four annoyances yesterday.

1) Actually this one goes back a way and it started off when I was covering a lesson many weeks ago. It was a PSE lesson and it was a year 11 class that I normally teach. The work set wasnt very well described so I took the opportunity to give them an extra maths lesson. I know I shouldnt have- it was cheeky of me. I did own up to the PSE teacher, Mr Spanks and I even offered a lesson exchange if needed. The next day I got told off by the deputy head. Mr Spanks had gone and made a complaint about me not following the work set. The DH was on my side really. Mr Spanks had overreacted but I still got my wrist slapped. I imagine that if I hadnt owned up to him then he wouldnt have even noticed.
Then the following week I got exactly the same cover with exactly the same group. This time I thought I am going to do the work set to the letter. The work set was pretty much 'Finish exercise A then go onto exercise B.' The class are not 'bright' and find some reading difficult so I thought I would work it through with them. Be the model of help and professionalism. Because we went through it some of the class didnt get too far into exercise B. Then the following some fo the class came to me and told me they had got detentions for not getting far enough into exercise B. Mr Spanks said he didnt tell them to finish exercise A. but I know he did because I read the set work thoroughly many times so I wouldnt get it wrong!
Then we come to yesterday. Now if any of you work in schools you may know it was the UK Maths Challenge. We enter some year 11 for it. Some of the year 11 who should have been having PSE. Gues who complained about them losing PSE time and not being informed about the challenge, even though it had been in the calendar for six months and that on Modnay and Thursday I tould the whole staff in the staff meeting that it was on and put a list on the board which listed who was taking it. Can you guess? Can you? The DH told him he should have paid attention more! Haha.

Anyway this is a long post so I will have to make this a two parter. A bit like Doctor Who and the gas mask baby story. Except I wont start the next blog with 'Go to your room!'

Now I'm really annoyed! I have just seen the list of the worlds 100 sexiest men and they have forgotten to list me! There must be a mistake. The is the biggext cock up in a vote count since Blair forgot to vote on the religious hatred bill which was lost by one vote!

Anyway I think CJ should be somewhere on the list. I mean if Shayne Ward can get on it and even Ben Shepherd! then there must be a chance yes?

And we all know that the cybermen are on their way, but is it closer than we think? Now that the Large Icy Lump has been declared the tenth planet! But what should it be called? Forgive me but UB313 does not really roll of the tongue.

let me think

An Icy Lump

hmmm

I know... Lizzie Bardsley

WHilst I am waiting for those desperate housewives to grace my screen (Hmmm Brie Van der Camp) I will flick through the paper and make some serious and analytical comments...not! (Well seriosly Anal perhaps)

In the news
Dame Kelly Holmes is to be national schools sports champion. Now if they want kids to be into sports again bring back 'We are the champions' with Ron Pickering. And wearing the blue tops with the red stripe is ......

A man has been arrested after listing Poo as an ingredient on a packet of ham. Thats teribble, It should have been listed on the Pot Noodles instead. And wearing the Orange top with the ankle cuffs is......

OK this has been stolen from Ajnspencer. If you link back to him you might be able to find who he stole it from. Believe me this has been thoroughly larconised!

1.What time did you get up this morning?
6:39 am as always

2. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds, then hearts then clubs then spades

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Memoires of a Geisha, but I hope to see Brokeback Mountain this weekend

4. What is your favourite TV show?
How long have you got? At the mo its Sea of Souls thats impressing me most

5. What did you have for breakfast?
What AJ said

6. What is your middle name?
Hmmm. Too embarrassing

7. What is your favourite cuisine?
Indian, and good old fashioned roast

8. What foods do you dislike?
Bounty bars.

9. What is your favourite crisp flavour?
Pickled onion monster munch

10. What is your favourite CD at the moment?
Electric blue - Andy Bell

11. What characteristics do you despise?
The Happy Slapping mentality. Yobs!

12. Favourite item of clothing?
Suit and Tie! Honest! Wear em all the time. Makes me feel good but i do get shouted at in shops

13. What colour pants/knickers are you wearing?
Brown haha

14. Favourite time of the day?
Home Time

15. What was your most memorable birthday?
My 22nd. Rather pleasant story about that.

16. Where were you born?
Upstairs. Just after Coronation Street

17. What's the last thing you ate?
A Jammy Dodger

18. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
What sort of surreal question is that? Can I answer 'Wibble'?

19. Favourite flower?
Allergic to 'em

20. Favourite Beatle?
Death Watch

21. Coke or Pepsi?
Coke with Lime

22. Do you have any pets?
Allergic to 'em

23. Last person you talked to on the phone?
My sister. I'm the only brother that remembered her birthday

24. What did you want to be when you were little?
Not Bullied

25. What do you first notice about someone?
What they wear. I'm shallow.

26. Siblings?
On sister two brothers

27. What was your favourite toy as a child?
Mouse Trap is the one I remember. Sorry Jojo

28. Summer or Winter?
Can I have spring. Not too hot not too cold?

29. Favourite cartoon character?
Eric from Dungeons and Dragons. Mr Benn. Dan Dare

30. Chocolate or vanilla?
Chocolate

31. What is under your bed?
The living room

32. In how many cities have you lived in.
plymouth and london ish

I am going to take up another blog by writing another real life account. This is another scary moment, but not of the supernateral kind, but definitely of the brown trouser kind!

But befoore I do I suppose I could explain what brought the story to mind. Today I was chatting to my sixth and one of them was explaining that she didnt like a particular subject. While she was talking, the chapel organ started playing in the background. It was almost like it was a cheesy horror movie where when someone is describing something bad, the music in the background goes low and haunting.

Which reminded me of a time when I was in York, climbing up the Minster Tower.

Now I have to tell you that I have a fear of heights and Spiral staircases (Strange but true) When climbing them I feel like I am falling all the time and my legs go wobbly. So why was I climbing the Minster Tower? Well I believe it is good to challenge your fears.... sometimes.

Anyway I was coming back down the tower's spiral staircase and I was grabbing hold of the hand rail for dear life, as it was the only thing stopping me falling to certain death. And I came to a part where there was no hand-rail. I stopped. All was quiet. My OH had gone further down, as had a little girl who could skip down the staircase unafraid (The Bitch). Bu eery time I tried to move down by letting go of the hand rail, the fear in my stomach gripped me and I couldnt move. But I needed to. So I got up the courage I let go of the hand rail and stepped forward. It was at that moment the Minster organ belted out three chords. It was like some kind of Horror movie. I almost Poo'd myself! Talk about timing. It took a few more minutes before I could pluck up the courage to try again.

There!

I have bared my soul