The Apprentice US. Maria or Wes. It's going to be one of them. Well, I wasn't expecting a double firing. Trump was on top form tonight. Even his hair was well behaved. (Unless you count the enlarged picture from the book cover. When was his hair ever that colour?). And look how gorgeous Trumps girlfriend is- she must really love him (hmm)
Maria was annoying. Taking over the modelling shoot and demanding more Butt attitude (Buttitude??) I would fire her too.

You may have guessed I love reality TV. I even watched the final of Average Joe Hawaii earlier this morning. Why did Larissa choose Gil? Brian was so much nicer. Still he ended up dumping her after she admitted to dating Fabio. (I don't even know who Fabio is). Gil must have just wanted a reason to dump her.

Ok. Has anyone seen my life?

Well I've had a bit to drink so I don't know how much shense I'm going to make. Plus, for some reason I am really tired. I don't know why, I've not dome anything. Perhaps it is the hot weather.

Well the Satellite engineer came today. He asked me what I wanted him to do. I resisted the urge to ask him to wiggle my giggle-stick. He managed to get the system back up and running so I am now multi-channelled again.

I am now watching The Bill and the story is at last focussing on Gabriel Kent. Maybe it will lead up to his demise. Isn’t Roberta Taylor brilliant as Gina Gold. Pure TV gold in my opinion.

Later tonight is the Apprentice US (Mr Trump and his unbelievable hair) followed by Lost. Great TV tonight.

Catch you all later

My Sky satellite system is not working. It keeps telling me that no signal is being received. This happens far too often for my liking. The last major time it happened was in May. I phoned up Sky and they sent an engineer, three days later. The Engineer went up to the dish and said the dish was OK. He then checked the cable at the box end using a Star Trek Tricorder and said there was no signal coming through. He said that I would have to replace the entire cabling from the dish to the box, because there was a break in the cable and it could be anywhere. I asked him whether he could do it but her refused. Something about sky not being responsible. But he did give me the number of a local engineer called Paul.
Paul came round immediately. He whipped out a similar Tricorder and immediately said there was nothing wrong with the signal at all. We didn’t need to replace all the cabling. He then fiddled about with the connection, plugged it back in and it worked. I was stunned. “What did you do?” I asked.
“I won’t lie to you,” he replied, “I didn’t really do anything. I could lie and say I wiggled the giggle-stick and that’s what made it work, but I wouldn’t do that”
“And where is the giggle-stick?” I asked, just in case it happened again. We laughed.
He was a very nice man, and he didn’t charge his call-out fee.
But now it’s not working again. I have wiggled the giggle-stick regularly and nothing has happened. I keep getting no signal.
Time for another engineer I suppose.
Paul’s number has been disconnected.
Ho hum

After watching Eastenders tonight I wonder what might have been going through Sam’s mind (apart from tumbleweed) that made her think she wouldn’t be held for murder. “The police think I was the last person to see Den alive. I hated Den. I have been acting strangely. My husband was also murdered. I managed to dig up the body. I identified the body as Den. They’re bound to know it was Chrissie”.
Chrissie on the other hand was trying to act cool, she even went as far as dressing as a packet of mints. But on the plus side Lesley Grantham’s acting is still improving.

In the news, there are some surprising details leaked about an upcoming celebrity wedding. Here are their details; See if you can guess who it is.

1) Bride arrives in Cinderella Style Carriage
2) Breast shaped wedding cake
3) £1.75m magazine deal.
4) Groom to sing new song dedicated to bride
5) The party will have a Karaoke.

Have you guessed? Is it Edwina Curry? No. It’s Peter Andre and Jordan. How long do we give them?
And that cake being shaped like boobs. I wonder if when they cut the cake will it remind her of the surgery?
Still it won’t be the only pair of tits to be half cut at the reception.

Other things to mention:
I have started reading Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. I have read the other three of his so I have high hopes for this too.

Sport news: Michael Owen is going to Newcastle.
But on the plus side England seem to be doing well in the cricket. I am sure it will do the sport the world of good in this country as the Rugby world cup did for Rugby. If only our football team were any good.

Previously on The Switch;
I had chosen to by the DVD ‘My Best Friends Wedding’ but due to some hilarious chain of events befitting a theatrical farce I had in fact ended up with a strange DVD titled ‘Naqoyqatsi’

And now the conclusion

Well I was unsure on what the story would be about. The DVD cover was not very telling, mentioning something about a ‘unique artistic experience’ whereas the cover features a crash test dummy wearing a suit. I was already confused. So I looked it up on a website, and this is what it said.
“Naqoyqatsi, Godfrey Reggio's third and final part of the Qatsi trilogy.”
Oh great! I’m already not understanding the thing and now I find it is the third part of a trilogy. So what happened in the other two? Am I missing something crucial? Is it possible that Koyaanisqatsi introduced the main characters in a clear way and Powaqqatsi added some weird plot twist where one character revealed he was the father of another character? There was only one way to find out.

I watched it.
And what I got was 90 minutes of images with a classical soundtrack. I could imagine it being the film they showed to the new clones in the film ‘The Island.’ It was almost as if someone had taken newsreels and promotional videos from NASA and car showrooms and Science programmes and Military recruitment videos and stuck them altogether. Was this right? I checked the website. It said this
“Nearly every image in NAQOYQATSI is a special visual effect. Some 80 percent of the film's footage is culled from stock footage (from such sources as scientific and military films, newsreels, corporate videos, sports documentaries, cartoons, television shows and commercials),”
Oh. I was right.
To be fair, the soundtrack was excellent and the visual show was stunning. It led through images of cloning and war and money and fame through to violence and pain. I am glad I watched it. It will now sit in my DVD collection (Who else can claim to have Naqoyqatsi in their collection.) with pride.
Now I know there is hope. Perhaps my name will be called in the lottery and I will go to the island. What do you think, Lincoln Six Echo?

As I was mooching around the shops earlier today, I wandered into the Virgin Megastore as I noticed they were having a sale. Being a film enthusiast I saw that there was a deal; 4 DVD’s for a £20. There were a couple I fancied, but as you do, you make sure you get the amount you need to warrant the deal. I chose ‘Snake Eyes’ (a thriller), ‘The Full Monty’ (British comedy at it’s best) and ‘The Last Samurai’ (Tom Cruise in top form as a Civil War soldier learning the way of the Samurai). I thought that that might be quite a heavy film so I decided to go for something more light-hearted as the fourth choice. I opted for ‘My Best Friends Wedding’, a romantic comedy starring Julia Roberts and Rupert Everett. Pleased with my choices I went to the counter and waited to pay, smiling politely to the little Japanese man waiting next to me.
Now I don’t know when it happened, but when I got home the four films I had chosen were not exactly the same four films I ended up with...
Because when I expected to find ‘My Best Friends Wedding’ I instead found a weird film titled ‘Naqoyqatsi”. Judging by the cover I have been given a “mesmerising journey into life as war using images which have been visually altered and set to music.
Hmm, not exactly light-hearted, was it?
It sounds like a Japanese Artsy-Fartsy film. Then I thought of the little man next to me. Not only have I got to sit through Armageddon in slide show form, but I now have visions of this poor man being outcast by his ‘Contemporary Film Theatre’ Group after sitting, open-mouthed, watching Rupert Everett camp his way through ‘Say a Little Prayer’

So am I going to go back and change the film? No. I believe in fate and destiny. I was destined to have this film and I intend to watch it.

To Be Continued...

So today hasn't been too bad. I have just watched Eastenders and another happy and fun-filled wedding; this time between Sharon 'the ever inflating' Watts and Dennis 'the plank' Rickman. But it is ruined by Samantha who appears to be using a very light but extremely effective pick-axe. Now where can I get a pick-axe that good from?
But I have to hand it to Lesley Grantham, that's the best I've seen him act in ages!

Other news today.
It seems that 80% of people in britain think that aliens exist. Whereas the other 20% don't even believe that humans exist.
The report sayst hat Women prefer the film ET, whereas men prefer Star Wars. That kind of makes sense seeing as Women are looking for sensitive Creatures who know how to use the magic finger, whereas most men end up in a galaxy far, far away.

Kylie is hoping to stage a show for the Melbourne 2006 Commonwealth games, and if it anything like her last concert or the Sydney Olympics then it will be a blast.

Bank holidays. A time to relax, do nothing and flick through the multitude of channels without really watching any programmes.

On UKGold it is ‘My Family’ day; a great Sitcom starring Robert Lindsay and Zoe Wanamaker. They too appear to be looking for something to do; well at least Susan is. Ben just wants to sit and read the paper.

Ben: Why do we have to do? Why aren’t we content just to be? After all, we are human Beings, not Human Doings.
Susan: Human Doings is right for you.

Question: What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

Answer: I can't make an enzyme

Because I went out on Saturday night I missed the X-Factor. Luckily I caught a repeat on ITV2 last night and here are a few thoughts.
1) It always surprises me that some people believe they can sing. Where does that come from?
2) Why let Dorothy through? OK she was a sweet old lady but I dont think she sang better than Piano Tie guy. Did they put her through just so Louis could say that brilliant 'Friend of Dorothy' Joke.
3) Talking of the Piano Tie Guy (I can't remember his name). He did look like he had just walked off the lounge deck of a cruise ship. I have nothing against the look, but I'm surprised he thought that it was what the judges were looking for.
4) Addictive Ladies. Their entrance was excellent but why did they spoil it by singing one of their own songs. I am glad they are through and they are a group to watch I think.
5)Kenzie (The 4-year old boy). Aah bless. The kid thinks he's won. Might as well stop the whole show. I wonder if he'll try again in 2017? (That's if he hasn't grown up into an obnoxious teenager)
6)There was that group that made it to the topfive last year. It was only right that they are put through again. Although I do wonder how many people this time were re-applications from last year.
7) The David Beckham/Adam Rickett look-a-like. Yawn
8)Tina Turner mad woman. Did Simon really give her Loius' number? Oh my god, she could become a stalker! Quick Louis, change the number!
9) James, the 16 year old boy. The show is going for the 'ah' factor not the x-factor it seems. He reminds me of a young Michael Jackson perhaps. He did have a sweet voice and will probably go far because of the public vote, but I don't think he should win.

and lastly...
10) Judges professionalism? The most professional is Louis. He has a contract to the show and manages to arrive on time, even after a late night, unlike Simon and Sharon. Those two should really get over themselves.

My favourite Cartoon from Big Brother this year

Whilst I am writing these blogs it occurs to me that I should include some memories from the past, for prosperity.

My First Bet.

I am not a gambling man; I have only ever placed one bet in my life. It is not that I have a moral issue with gambling or anything, but it’s just something I’ve never really got round to doing.
That was until two summers ago.
It was coming up to the last match of the season and it was Chelsea v Liverpool and the chances of Liverpool winning were not looking good. So I decided to place a bet. I would place a bet that Chelsea would win the game. That way I thought either way I would be happy; a win/win situation! (It was only afterwards that a friend pointed out that if there were a draw, I would be buggered)
So 9am the next morning I went to the local bookmakers. I have never been in a bookies before but I was surprised to see that there was already a scruffy looking bloke playing the fruit machines. After mentally condemning the man for his gambling habit, I remembered the reason why I was there. I approached the counter clutching my fiver.
Behind the counter was a lady of sorts; blonde, buxom and had a look that could curdle milk. But I approached with confidence, trying to give the air that this was no new venture and I was a hardened gambler.
“I would like to put five pounds on Chelsea winning the game” I said sternly “Please” I added.
“In 90 minutes” The lady said curtly.
Now, you have to remember that I have never been in a bookies before and never placed a bet. For all I knew there were laws and rules that I know nothing about such as age limits, Bet limits or even set times when you were allowed to place a bet. For all I knew, you may only be allowed to place a bet after 10am or before 4pm, so when she said “In 90 minutes” my reply was “Can’t I do it now?”.
She stared at me incredulously for a while and said “You want to place a bet for Chelsea to win in the 90 minutes of the game”.
The lady just looked at me as if I was stupid, and I felt stupid.
I have not placed a bet since.
And even if I do, I won’t go back there.

By the way, Liverpool lost, but at least I had my winnings.

All £11 of it.

What happened yesterday in flashback form. You will not need a flash player.

Sat 1pm.
My mother arrives for the evening. She has been to China and arrived back in England on Friday. She has brought with her some photos so we may look at them for a while.

Sat 4pm.
Just sat through a load of photos and maps of Chinese expedition. I never thought that I would ever be shown photos of naked, Chinese boat-pullers by my mum.

Sat 5pm.
I Have packed a ton of food, enough to feed an army and we are queuing to get into Battle Abbey to see the Proms concert. The weather is fantastic

Sat 6pm.
We're in the Abbey and we have set up our picnic. The queue, even though it was long, moved quite quickly. However, there are thousands of people here already.

Sat 7pm.
Lovely food. My pasties were huge. (As in very well received, not that they were the size of elephant turds) The neighbours (Val and Tad) have arrived. They are a lovely but slightly strange couple. I imagine they are already drunk. There is a party in front of me that have set up a table and come in evening dress. Maybe next year I will wear my tuxedo.

Sat 7.45pm
Wow. A Hurricane. The World War 2 plane did several fly-by's and loop-the-loop's to the tune of Dam-Busters. Many flags were being waved.

Sat 9pm
First half over and the music has been brilliant. The night has come, and everyone has lit their lanterns. The Welsh conductor Jae Alexander was both entertaining and ever so slightly camp.

Sat 11pm.
Just got home after a wonderful second half, which started off with the theme from Star Wars and included the theme from Harry Potter. Val and Tad were dancing away, so I think they were a bit squiffy. But it's the finale which has to be experienced. From Land of Hope and Glory and the Hornpipe to the rousing Jerusalem, which I wish I knew the words to (I know it involves Chariots of Fire and Dark Satanic Mills; so I'm not sure what the author was on when he wrote it) All accompanied by a great fireworks show.
And yes-I waved a flag and, more surprisingly, I ended up dancing with Val and Tad.

Sat 11.30pm
OK. we are sitting at home and flicking through the channels but all I could find were rude things and alternative comedy. Which would have suited me fine had it not been for the fact that my mother was sitting next to me.
Fake yawn; "It's time for bed"

Saturday Morning (But it feels like Sunday morning)
Tonight it is the Proms: Picnic tea, Spitfire fly-by and fireworks, as long as the weather holds. The weather website seems to change it's mind regularly- Showers / Not showers. Will have to wait and see.
I must remember not to drink too much tea today.

At least my Doctor Who Annual has arrived. It's supposed to have been out for ages but I haven't seen it in any shops as yet. Doctor Who is also on UKGold +1 at the moment. It's the Happiness Patrol; My god the Kandiman is a silly monster.

Now I don't normally watch Saturday Morning Kids TV, but I had ITV on and Anthony from Big Brother came on. So I immediately turned it over to BBC1. On BBC1 they did this comedy Skit on Doctor Who. It was Doctor Loo and his sidekick Number 2, who travel around in the Turdis shaped like a Portaloo. Very silly, but strangely entertaining.

Well, have just finished watching the Super Cup live on ITV. Liverpool against CSKA Moscow. I needed some cheering up after Tuesday's match which was a 0-1 loss even though we won on aggregate and are in the Champion's League final 16.

So I was not very happy for the first 80 minutes. And then on comes Cisse and turns things around. 1-1 and into extra time.

Extra time always reminds me of that advert (liptonice??) Where they are thinking of introducing Extra time multi-ball, which is still a great idea.

Anyway. Two more goals later and we have won the Super Cup! This made me feel good until I read about what the super cup is.

The Super cup is:
The smallest cup in Europe

the Winners are not allowed to take it home but they can have a replica made..... at 4/5 of the original size.

So not only is it the smaleest cup in Europe but the one they get to keep is even smaller still.

Liverpool: The holders of a smaller cup than the smallest cup in Europe.

Ho Hum

This afternoon I have been to watch two films: The Cave and The Dukes of Hazzard.

The Cave:
Plot: A group of cave divers (I suppose speliologists doesn't sound as cool) led by brothers Jack and Tyler are asked to examine a cave which has been found under a church in the middle of no-where. After a tunnel collapses, they find themselves trapped and need to find another way out. However, there are other things lurking in the cave systems.
My Verdict: To me this was a cross between Exorcist: The Beginning and Alien V Predator, and I liked them both so I was OK. The story was quite predictable even the twist ending wasn't really a surprise. What made the film was the mood of it, and the darkness and dampness of the cave system certainly gave the right mood. However some of the earlier action sequences were difficult to watch as the camera work was all over the place. As the film progressed I tended to ignore the obvious cliches like "Why only beautiful people can become world class cave divers" or how it was that when they split up and Tyler went to find the other small group he found them with relative ease and, even when under pressure being chased by the creatures, they managed to end up back in the right cavern.
A bog-standard horror(ish) whose plot-by-numbers doesnt disappoint but doesn't really surprise too much either. Also there are no big name actors involved, which is probably just as well.
I give it a 6/10.
Favourite bit: Charlie's wall climb

The Dukes of Hazzard
Plot (such as it was): The Duke boys, Bo and Luke, have to stop the dastardly Boss Hogg from turning the county of Hazzard into a huge Quarry, whilst trying to win the Annual Car Rally.
My Verdict: I was pleasantly surprised by this film. I was expecting not to like it at all. There was a plot, even though it was a bit lame, but it jollied along quite nicely. The star of the show was Sean William Scott as Bo Duke. His performance overshadowed the rest for me. Burt Reynolds as Boss Hogg didn't look right, neither did the Sheriff. Jessica Simpson looked good as Daisy, but she said early on "You know what's gonna happen. The boys are gonna get arrested and I'm gonna have to shake my ass to get them out" Which was pretty much her role in the film. But to be fair, the film didn't take itself too seriously, like Starsky and Hutch before it.
I give it 6/10
Favourite bit: When they leave Hazzard and go to Atlanta.

Good Morning.
I have just switched GMTV on and it is Andrew Castle and some Blonde woman. The Blonde woman just said "The tourist industry in London has been hardest hit due to the bombing" and that creepy sleaze Castle just replied;
"London is great at the moment. There's nobody in it." Is it just me that finds him obnoxious?
Anyway I am waiting for the weather report as I am due to go to an open air Proms tomorrow night and I don't want to get wet! Plus my mother is coming down for it, so that should make an interesting evening. I will probably be spending a lot of time today planning the picnic tea.

I have also made some pasties, using up some of the curried chicken from last night.

Actually this summer has been very cold. I have had to have the heating on. I wonder if it's the coldest one since records began? I wonder when records actually began? Does someone have a record of it?

And now the evening draws to a close. After having a lovely Curry for dinner I settled down to watch the Bill

The Bill: Cor, they can't act drunk can they? and what a surprise to see Roy Glover down and out in London. And a surprise 11th hour witness helps Yvonne get off.

After which was extras and Catherine Tate.

Catherine Tate: Lauren "Am I bovvered" is like so many kids I have taught- even down to the 'are you gay' conversation.
The 'you never guess what I did' couple are how I imagine Maxwell and Saskia are in real life too

Talking about big brother here is the Eugene 2 win site

Plus I am really enjoying these blogs- reading everyone else's that is. I am so nosey

My Name is Feargal McSquiggy
My Job is a Lubricate Jiggy
I work hard each day
For next to no pay
So tomorrow I'm taking a sicky

I thank you

After checking in to the school to find out the GCSE results, I came home and spent the afternoon watching series 1 of 4400, to get me ready for series 2 which starts next month. I certainly enjoy shows like that and LOST. Thanks to those who posted comments about LOST which aired on c4 last night. If you want to join in a yahoo group click here.

I also cooked myself some chicken pieces and really had an unhealthy afternoon vegging out.

Breaking news:- Liverpool have Drawn with Chelsea in the Champions League. (I am a Liverpool Fan)

I will start off describing how I felt watching Lost last night. I amreally enjoying the show and I got very excited when I worked out through the show that Locke hadn't got the use of his legs before the crash.
But the questions still remain
What did Kate do? What is the creature in the tree? and now who is the suited man that Jack sees?

Today Is results day for GCSE's. As a teacher I will be interested to see how my classes fare.

Other things to look forward to today...
Bad Lads Army (on at the same time as Extra's and The Catherine Tate show- but that can be recorded)

Things that I still don't understand..
How on earth did Anthony win Big Brother??????

Things that I want to mention..
I have just finished "The Yes Man" by Danny Wallace. It's a great book, funny and life-affirming!

I also think it is a good thing that K9 is returning to Doctor Who, even if it is for just one episode. It will help connect the old and new series.

Yesterday I had fun reading this website. If you ever wondered whether Cillit Bang really works, check here

Tonight I am looking forward to watching on TV the following shows.

The Bill. One of my favourite shows but when will Gabriel Kent get his comeuppance?

The Apprentice USA. Even though I was sad to see Raj go last week, the show is still gripping. But Trump's hair is weird

LOST. Will we find out what the miracle was that JohnLocke mentioned? Is Kate guilty or innocent? What is the thing in the trees? Is Hurley really Hagrid?

This box is new. It is white. It tells me I have no friends. This makes me feel sad.
But as I feel my way around, I begin to feel more confident in my new surroundings

I now have friends I am happy

Here I am. I have no name. Who am I and where am I?

Edited* I have a name. My name is CJ